THAT ONE TIME YOU COULD HAVE HOOKED UP WITH A ROCK STAR AND NOTHING HAPPENED

So, three vodka sodas and tight red dress later, you will be sitting in the Venetian hotel buzzed alone (don’t worry- your friends are at a neighboring table) playing penny slots. You will be praying you inherited your Mother’s gambling luck but realize luck isn’t a trait transferred genetically. You will be minding your own business, shouting at an inanimate object, when some dude,with a matty beard and a beanie, will roll up next to you trying to chat you up. He won’t realize your inherent competitive nature kicks into high gear when drinking and that there is nothing worse than disturbing you when you are losing to a computer (which you are convinced is rigged).

He will proceed to court you and drop his name waiting for a reaction. One blank stare and uncomfortably long silent pause later, he will collect himself and try again. This time he will drop the entirety of his band’s name  then pause for a reaction. The name will sound familiar, but you won’t be able to place it. Offended by your ignorance, he will get agitated, but he won’t give up. You will quickly realize his entire band is staring at you from across the lobby, watching him fumble his way through his pick up routine (which you assume is typically pretty flawless). He’s the lead singer of a Grammy award-winning band but you will be too entranced by the slots to entertain any offers. For his last hurray, he will invite you to the House of Blues and his hotel room, that’s where he is heading for the rest of the night , if you want to change your mind, but you don’t. You tell him you’re feeling really lucky and you’ve got to stick with this roll. He will leave offended and perplexed. You will cash out 14 cents later.

The next morning, you do a quick Google search (it’s a search engine and it’s your life. Yahoo is for losers). You have to know if this bearded creep was a con artist or a smashing star. You will be pissed to know you turned down a night with a real life rock star but feel dignified in your decision when you realize he’s the father of children who is also married. Sometimes, I hate how righteous you are, even if you do it unknowningly.

THE THINGS PEOPLE FORGET TO TELL YOU ABOUT SEX

I don’t want to make this weird, you’re young, but you will love sex (everyone does). I mean, it’s not like you turned off the TV in 4th grade, when you accidentally stumbled across the Playboy channel. You won’t do it until you are in love, thank g*d. But, here’s the thing. No movie, no TV show (not even Lena Dunham-you will love her and HBO one day) tells you about all the awkward shit that happens when you have sex. So, I am going to tell you so you can be prepared.

  • There is nothing hot or sexy about trying to wiggle your way out of your  skinny jeans after a date. Stumbling and knocking down a lamp while trying to get out of your pants isn’t sexy. It’s embarrassing, but kind of endearing, in it’s own way.
  • Just going to come out with it- you don’t just magically start having sex with someone, you have to put it in. You don’t fall on or into dicks.
  • You won’t always have the world’s hottest lingerie underneath every single one of your outfits. Guys will sometimes see your gym underwear (but, good news, they will still want to have sex with you, anyway.) You don’t need matching lingerie to have amazing sex. But don’t forget you still need to have some hot pieces, even when you are in a relationship.
  • No one talks about the awkward 20 second moment of putting on a condom. Just saying…
  • Sex in the pool or hot tub is never as hot as you think it will be. It just isn’t, but that’s ok.
  • Having sex in weird places may be some people’s thing and yes sometimes they make for great stories but the best sex you will ever have will ALWAYS be in bed.
  • It is always awkward when a condom falls on you, your bra or any article of clothing, in general.
  • I’m just going to be blunt here, sorry. It’s always weird (even for a fleeting second) when a guy has to pull out and you have to clean it up. No one talks about this, but please always keep a towel/Kleenex/anything but your shirty, handy.
  • One night stands are almost always awful. The best sex is almost always in a relationship.
  • Sex feels better without a condom. But don’t do it unless you are on birth control and in a relationship. Plan B is called Plan B for a reason, it’s never Plan A.
  • Having sex to Marvin Gaye is always creepy. Any guy with a sex playlist probably has herpes- RUN, DON’T WALK AWAY.

I’M REALLY SORRY BUT FUCK IT ANYWAY- A LETTER TO A FORMER FLAME

You’ll have plenty of lovers. Some that you’d  like to forget, some you barely remember and one that you are writing this about. The first person you will tell I love you to will write a quote on his Facebook (FB) profile (you will quickly learn FB is an invasive part of your everyday life) before he deleted it or blocked you or joined the CIA (he was obsessed with the CIA) it’s still unclear. He will write on his FB profile that, “Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.” You will think good he will remember me. You won’t understand the gravity of this quote until you get your heart broken, obliterated, shattered, however you want to slice it, it will be horrible and it will happen with someone else.

You will both work at the same company, happy to be making just above minimum wage. You will be peddling the American dream working in Hollywood as glorified secretaries at a low tier top agency. Living the dream will consist of supplementing your income with paychecks from your parents pretending to be an adult but being terrible at it. You will be juggling life as recent college grad with a boss whose creepy advances will only be welcome because he will be the most attractive creeper you will ever lay your eyes on. Side note- No your boss doesn’t cross the line until you quit your job. You’ll make out one time, he’ll touch your boobs and you’ll get over it.

In all of this life juggling, post college postpartum depression, you will fall in love. You won’t be ready (no one ever is). You’re a kid but you will love your new life titles- college grad/Hollywood assistant/girlfriend madly in love. You will feel like you are really marking off that checklist. When you’re in love without boundaries it feels like forever so you take things and people for granted. You also put up with things you should walk away from. Being in love feels like you live in a world built for two. He’ll make you feel like the most alive goofball on the planet. At one point, he will be your best friend and you will talk about anything and everything.

Then things will change. You’ll feel smothered, lost and the person you could tell anything to will feel like a stranger. You’ll hit a crossroads you won’t come back from- you won’t respect each other’s needs and you will become an independent person in a co-dependent relationship. You will break up with him but quickly regret it. You will get back together but he would never forgive you. He would punish you daily for the two-week abandonment you initiated but would never want to discuss it or work through it. When you finally hit your eminent break up, it will feel like death, although it was staring you in the face for months.

It will take you unusual amount of time to get over. You will read books about break ups and how to be a sexy bitch-trying to find yourself again (secretly hoping, one day, he would want you again). Spoiler alert- it won’t happen and one day you wouldn’t want him anymore either.  Lucky for you, you have the pleasure of running into him regularly enough for it to be annoying. It would rip the band aid off until one day you no longer need it. Another side note-You have a gift for running into people you don’t want to see on a fairly consistent basis as an adult. It adds to your diverse and eclectic collections of life stories, which you find yourself dispensing on most social occasions.  He would and will treat you like an old co-worker you grabbed lunch with one time but tell you he missed your parents… Umm thanks?  Didn’t he at least remember your AMAZING boobs (yes, you have amazing boobs, thank g*d later)-at least you could take solace in knowing he wouldn’t see better? This still won’t make you feel better, at the time.

This break up was a haunting ghost following you around reminding you of a failure. At first you’ll blame yourself. What if you didn’t go through your crazy anxiety phase with him? What if you told him daily how much it meant to you that he sat with you in the hospital bed? What if he knew the person you would become and remember your sense of humor or compassion? What ifs can haunt you for the rest of your life and make you forget all the wonderful things you have in a present moment. You’ll realize you can’t forget him and that you don’t forget people you loved. You don’t want to erase it, forget it, belittle it, you just want to move on and you do (by doing so, it set you free).That experience will change you. Deep down you knew the relationship wasn’t right for you and that you got out of a situation that didn’t serve you. You’ll realize what you’re most upset about has nothing to do with your former partner but everything to do with you. You’re terrible at letting things go, but you did it on your own on your own terms. People always talk about wanting closure but closure is a gift you give yourself when you learn to let go. No one in life grants you permission to let to go. You learn to let go of the people who walk out of your life and fall in love with all the little things about yourself, all over again, with the help of the people who truly love you. Learning to value yourself is the best kind of love you can give yourself. So here’s the thing Lu-you are going to fall in love, you are going to do it more than once, you’re going to fuck up, do some things right, cry, laugh and learn how to say fuck it to the people who don’t treat you right.

FLYING WITH PEASANTS

This is going to be hard to hear Lu, so I really hope you’re sitting down. You aren’t going to marry Prince William. Take a minute to collect yourself, I know this is rough. He’s going to fall in love with a British girl he met in college. You’ll only excuse it because she’s almost as stylish as you. There’s still time, Prince Harry is single. I know red heads aren’t your thing, but he has significantly more hair than William. Don’t lose hope!

In your none fantasy version of life, you will date a British guy, but it won’t work out. You will have an on and off relationship for five years which will come to an end after a wonderful trip to London. He’ll meet you in Barcelona (you’re so cultured, I know) and you guys will fly together to London. You’ll stay at some swanky hotel, that you won’t remember the name of, and then you’ll go to high tea at a Lord’s house (also known as his Grandfather). Make sure you let Prince Harry know you have plenty of experience with royalty when you meet him, ok? Promise me! Anyways, you’ve met the Lord before and he’s a tough sell and by tough sell, I mean he’s a pompous loser who knighted his way into royalty. You’ll sit down and he’ll begin grilling you about your life. “Why didn’t you go to an IVY League?” “Why would you waste your major on communications?” Then, it will rapidly go down hill. He’ll ask you how you got there. You’ll tell him you flew. He’ll ask, “What class did you fly?” You’ll tell him coach. Then he’ll look you square in the eye and blurt out – “Oh, so you like flying with peasants?” For the first time in your life, you’ll actually be speechless.

Last time you checked the term peasants died with cholera in the 1800s. The Lord had no compassion for anyone. Yes, you still fly coach and you are damn proud of it and sometimes you even get free upgrades (humble brag.) Lu, I know it sounds good to say that you are dating a guy who has royal family, trust me, it sounds awesome. But, having high tea with an asshole is overrated. It would be an awesome Instagram (it’s an app with photos, you’re addicted) post at best, but you don’t want to live with someone who treats you like a peasant. Your Dad will tell you multiple times throughout this relationship, that, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”- trust me it never does and definitely didn’t for this relationship. It’s in this moment you’ll realize you’ll never marry someone for their money. It goes without saying that you ended your five-year relationship after this trip.

PLAYING WITH ANTS

At this point, you’ve probably figured out that you go to the best elementary school in the universe. The weirder you are the better. You are the only aspiring gemologist in your class of 12. You may or may not find the heart of the ocean, so just keep dreaming. I also want to compliment your impressive sock collection. Don’t worry, you still wear the most stylish socks EVER as an adult. Whoever told you pugs socks will go out of style is a LIAR. You’re awesome as an adult but your childhood was golden. You should be proud that you are almost never an asshole. It’s hard in a city of third timers (I’ll explain later) to not become a douchebag. As an adult, you have much thicker skin, you finally don’t say sorry for everything and you will be so happy you were nice to the kid who played with ants.

So there’s an ant kid at your school. I know you already know this. You love him but he loves ants more. Instead of playing with kids at recess, he spends the majority of his time playing with and conversing with the ants. Everyone did it, sometimes, totally normal. Except, one time you did the unthinkable. You stepped on Martha (she’s an ant.) Note to self- don’t try balancing your lunch while hula hooping at the same time. Ant kid, he’s devastated, and you feel horrible. You will give up dodgeball to attend the funeral, which will consist of an impressive 100 attendees (you, ant kid and the ants of course). The procession is longer than expected and you will be asked to give the eulogy. You will take a moment to reflect on Martha’s life and really hit the high notes of her legacy. When ant kid graduates (he’s older) you will never speak to him again.

Then, one day, while you are sitting at your office desk, skimming Deadline, (the holy grail for anyone in the industry) you will see ant kid’s name in the headline. He just sold his second script for 2 million and you will reread the headline ten times before the reality sinks in. You won’t reach out, but you know if you ever did, you will always be welcomed. You never questioned his quirks and you nailed an eulogy at the impressive age of 10. Lu, I don’t want you to ever be ashamed of who you are. Ant kid owned his weirdness and he’s a millionaire. Don’t want you to get confused with the message here, no you are not a millionaire…yet. The point is -you have so many people who love you because you own who you are and more importantly you love you (kinda a weird amount, but that’s cool.) Never be ashamed of wanting to be a gemologist, being obsessed with “Keeping Up with Kardashians” or being the basic bitch who drops it like it’s hot at every party. Do you boo, always.