I’M REALLY SORRY BUT FUCK IT ANYWAY- A LETTER TO A FORMER FLAME

You’ll have plenty of lovers. Some that you’d  like to forget, some you barely remember and one that you are writing this about. The first person you will tell I love you to will write a quote on his Facebook (FB) profile (you will quickly learn FB is an invasive part of your everyday life) before he deleted it or blocked you or joined the CIA (he was obsessed with the CIA) it’s still unclear. He will write on his FB profile that, “Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.” You will think good he will remember me. You won’t understand the gravity of this quote until you get your heart broken, obliterated, shattered, however you want to slice it, it will be horrible and it will happen with someone else.

You will both work at the same company, happy to be making just above minimum wage. You will be peddling the American dream working in Hollywood as glorified secretaries at a low tier top agency. Living the dream will consist of supplementing your income with paychecks from your parents pretending to be an adult but being terrible at it. You will be juggling life as recent college grad with a boss whose creepy advances will only be welcome because he will be the most attractive creeper you will ever lay your eyes on. Side note- No your boss doesn’t cross the line until you quit your job. You’ll make out one time, he’ll touch your boobs and you’ll get over it.

In all of this life juggling, post college postpartum depression, you will fall in love. You won’t be ready (no one ever is). You’re a kid but you will love your new life titles- college grad/Hollywood assistant/girlfriend madly in love. You will feel like you are really marking off that checklist. When you’re in love without boundaries it feels like forever so you take things and people for granted. You also put up with things you should walk away from. Being in love feels like you live in a world built for two. He’ll make you feel like the most alive goofball on the planet. At one point, he will be your best friend and you will talk about anything and everything.

Then things will change. You’ll feel smothered, lost and the person you could tell anything to will feel like a stranger. You’ll hit a crossroads you won’t come back from- you won’t respect each other’s needs and you will become an independent person in a co-dependent relationship. You will break up with him but quickly regret it. You will get back together but he would never forgive you. He would punish you daily for the two-week abandonment you initiated but would never want to discuss it or work through it. When you finally hit your eminent break up, it will feel like death, although it was staring you in the face for months.

It will take you unusual amount of time to get over. You will read books about break ups and how to be a sexy bitch-trying to find yourself again (secretly hoping, one day, he would want you again). Spoiler alert- it won’t happen and one day you wouldn’t want him anymore either.  Lucky for you, you have the pleasure of running into him regularly enough for it to be annoying. It would rip the band aid off until one day you no longer need it. Another side note-You have a gift for running into people you don’t want to see on a fairly consistent basis as an adult. It adds to your diverse and eclectic collections of life stories, which you find yourself dispensing on most social occasions.  He would and will treat you like an old co-worker you grabbed lunch with one time but tell you he missed your parents… Umm thanks?  Didn’t he at least remember your AMAZING boobs (yes, you have amazing boobs, thank g*d later)-at least you could take solace in knowing he wouldn’t see better? This still won’t make you feel better, at the time.

This break up was a haunting ghost following you around reminding you of a failure. At first you’ll blame yourself. What if you didn’t go through your crazy anxiety phase with him? What if you told him daily how much it meant to you that he sat with you in the hospital bed? What if he knew the person you would become and remember your sense of humor or compassion? What ifs can haunt you for the rest of your life and make you forget all the wonderful things you have in a present moment. You’ll realize you can’t forget him and that you don’t forget people you loved. You don’t want to erase it, forget it, belittle it, you just want to move on and you do (by doing so, it set you free).That experience will change you. Deep down you knew the relationship wasn’t right for you and that you got out of a situation that didn’t serve you. You’ll realize what you’re most upset about has nothing to do with your former partner but everything to do with you. You’re terrible at letting things go, but you did it on your own on your own terms. People always talk about wanting closure but closure is a gift you give yourself when you learn to let go. No one in life grants you permission to let to go. You learn to let go of the people who walk out of your life and fall in love with all the little things about yourself, all over again, with the help of the people who truly love you. Learning to value yourself is the best kind of love you can give yourself. So here’s the thing Lu-you are going to fall in love, you are going to do it more than once, you’re going to fuck up, do some things right, cry, laugh and learn how to say fuck it to the people who don’t treat you right.

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