THE THINGS PEOPLE FORGET TO TELL YOU ABOUT SEX

I don’t want to make this weird, you’re young, but you will love sex (everyone does). I mean, it’s not like you turned off the TV in 4th grade, when you accidentally stumbled across the Playboy channel. You won’t do it until you are in love, thank g*d. But, here’s the thing. No movie, no TV show (not even Lena Dunham-you will love her and HBO one day) tells you about all the awkward shit that happens when you have sex. So, I am going to tell you so you can be prepared.

  • There is nothing hot or sexy about trying to wiggle your way out of your  skinny jeans after a date. Stumbling and knocking down a lamp while trying to get out of your pants isn’t sexy. It’s embarrassing, but kind of endearing, in it’s own way.
  • Just going to come out with it- you don’t just magically start having sex with someone, you have to put it in. You don’t fall on or into dicks.
  • You won’t always have the world’s hottest lingerie underneath every single one of your outfits. Guys will sometimes see your gym underwear (but, good news, they will still want to have sex with you, anyway.) You don’t need matching lingerie to have amazing sex. But don’t forget you still need to have some hot pieces, even when you are in a relationship.
  • No one talks about the awkward 20 second moment of putting on a condom. Just saying…
  • Sex in the pool or hot tub is never as hot as you think it will be. It just isn’t, but that’s ok.
  • Having sex in weird places may be some people’s thing and yes sometimes they make for great stories but the best sex you will ever have will ALWAYS be in bed.
  • It is always awkward when a condom falls on you, your bra or any article of clothing, in general.
  • I’m just going to be blunt here, sorry. It’s always weird (even for a fleeting second) when a guy has to pull out and you have to clean it up. No one talks about this, but please always keep a towel/Kleenex/anything but your shirty, handy.
  • One night stands are almost always awful. The best sex is almost always in a relationship.
  • Sex feels better without a condom. But don’t do it unless you are on birth control and in a relationship. Plan B is called Plan B for a reason, it’s never Plan A.
  • Having sex to Marvin Gaye is always creepy. Any guy with a sex playlist probably has herpes- RUN, DON’T WALK AWAY.

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