Muscle Relaxers with a side of Ben & Jerry’s

Lu, one Halloween weekend, your friend will drag you to a mansion party. Some ex- frat bros with way too much money will own some mansion with it’s own dance hall. These bros throw a rager every Halloween. At the party, some guy dressed as a cow (although he looked more like a dalmatian-he had black spots painted on and floppy ears -it was very confusing) will start chatting you up. You’ll find out he worked at your former company, so immediately you’ll have a lot in common. You will just be out of a relationship and decide to go with it. He’ll invite himself to sleepover, but you’re not ready to do anything besides make out. You’ll wear the world’s ugliest sweats (as a deterrent, naturally) and stay up laughing the entire night. You’ll realize that you actually like this guy, even though he smeared makeup all over your pillowcase (learn how to wipe off your spots, jeez.) You’ll go on a bunch of dates and it will start heading in a more serious direction (which is not what you are looking for.) But then one night, things will get weird.

This story is a little dated, so I can’t remember if he got in a car accident or a ski accident, but he really messed up his back. He had to have back surgery, which left him bedridden for months. He was prescribed muscle relaxers to deal with the pain. You’ll notice that he took muscle relaxers from time-to-time. It wasn’t your  place to interject.  You didn’t really think about it. But one night, he’ll ask you to come over to watch a movie. When you get there, he’ll seem kind of out it. You’ll assume he’s tired. He’ll ask you to walk with him to get Ben and Jerry’s (no, not for you, but for him, like whatever.) On the walk over, he’ll drag his feet. You’ll ask if he’s ok. He’ll insist he’s fine. You’ll quickly realize he took muscle relaxers prior to your arrival. You will get back to his apartment and he’ll start eating the Ben and Jerry’s right out of the pint ( you know like how girls do when they get dumped by their boyfriends.) He can’t really grip the spoon and he will start dripping ice cream all over himself and his white sweater (pointer- this is not hot.) You will literally go straight into Mom mode because he will start shaking and slurring his words. You will begin to panic internally. He’ll insist he’s fine. He’ll tell you that what he loves about you is that you always take care of him. Like, hello, if you love someone of course you want to take care of them (DUH.) But, when you are just two months into dating, you don’t want to wipe Ben & Jerry’s off of someone’s sweater because they took prescription pills alone. You’re no angel. You’ve  had your fair of shit go down, but abusing pills and taking them alone, is a much bigger conversation than drinking a little to much one night. It’s fucking terrifying taking care of someone who took to many drugs.  However, he’ll progressively get better, so you realize you don’t need to drive him to some hospital. He’ll ask you to put him to bed. He’ll also ask you to cuddle him until he falls asleep. Keep in mind, he’s 6’2 and your 5’4. There’s no way you should you ever be the big spoon. You’ll realize that everyone has baggage.

 

RAP IT UP- A NIGHT AT A RAPPER’S HO– USE

So Lu, your first real job will be at a talent agency in Beverly Hills. You will have two bosses, one you love and the other will sexually harass you, but we can dive into that later. You will sit in front of another assistant who will become one of your best friends. She will go on to become a rock star agent boasting some of the biggest names in music as her clients #killingit. This girl will be a fellow valley girl and you will mutually fall in love with each other (in a totally non-lesbian way.) She will take you to countless shows, mansion parties, after parties, studio parties, backstage parties etc. You name it-you’ve done it.  But, I digress. One night, your rock star agent friend will text you and invite you to a party at a rapper’s house. This rapper started in TV but BLEW UP as a rapper, that’s my only hint. However, this party will be on a work night and you will be hesitant to go. Your roomie will tell you that you can’t miss this once in a lifetime opportunity and you both will quickly change into your best slutty/classy outfit AKA a blouse and jeans (so, not slutty at all.) You’ll drop off your car in a parking lot and a white van will be waiting to escort you to the property. You will be seated in a car packed with soon-to-be or current sidepieces (who are all just wearing bathing suits) and shuttled up to the estate. You will walk up to the mansion and you will DIE (you will come back to life…eventually.)

Once inside the property, there will be bars stocked with your favorite booze, a buffet lined with every BBQ bite you could imagine and there will be HOES everywhere. Girls will be twerking their booties and dropping it like it’s hot, hoping to win over the rapper. Now this rapper will be standing, sipping on water, carrying on with one of the members of his team, not even glancing at the girl shoving her bootie in everyone’s face. You will begin to wonder, why  isn’t  he even looking?! Hello, this girl is DTF. Then you’ll realize he’s fucking a rapper. He can date ANYONE he wants. He can throw a party and then leave that shit. BTW, he did, he left an hour later. One day I hope I am that badass. I invite a bunch of basic ass hoes to a party, get my rapper and actor friends to show up and then LEAVE THAT SHIT. Now, that’s how you ball hard. He didn’t even drink at his own fucking party, like you bad, boo, you bad. After he leaves you will walk the premises. I wish I could reveal the details, but it was the coolest house you have ever been to. You will walk in on two people having sex in a pool chair, see some single rappers chilling in a hot tub with no joke 20 women and you will stand at the top of the hill overlooking the party/mansion realizing your life isn’t too terrible.

THE 3RD TIMER

51617311 (Image from Google)

Oh Lu, I could write a novel about 3rd timers, but I also don’t want to waste my time. You are probably wondering, what in the world a 3rd timer is and I am going to tell you. You see, there are multiple times in your life to be “cool.” It starts in kindergarten (of course)- it’s part of the social conditioning of life. There will always be popular kids and there always be kids who are not so popular (which is determined by the popular kids.) You see, the first time to really be cool, is in high school. If you make the cut to the popular crowd by high school, you’re a #first-timer. Then, there are people who walk the cusp, but get a second chance. Your second chance to be cool is when you go to college. If you’re popular in college, you are  a  #second-timer. Then, there are the worst kind of people – the   #third-timers. You see, #third-timers are the people who didn’t make the cut  in high school and didn’t make the cut in college. Therefore, #third-timers overcompensate HARD for the rest of their lives. I’m not glorifying anyone who is an asshole to someone in order to make the cool crowd (because that’s worse than a #third-timer.) The problem with the #third-timer is that they can’t let go of the social injustices inflicted on them in their youth. Everyone faces embarrassment (even #first-timers and #second-timers) but it’s the #first-timers and #second-timers ability to forgive and move past a fleeting moment that makes them a #first-timer and #second-timer. First-timers and second-timers have the courage to own who they are.  On the the other hand,  #third-timers,  try to make the cool crowd as a working professional. The problem, they already missed the boat (you see Lu, it doesn’t actually matter.) Trying to be popular as an adult is #embarrassing. People are too caught up with themselves to obsess over the perception of other people (it’s just a fact.) I care way more about someone stealing the shoes on hold in my shopping cart than about where a #third-timer went out last night (some bitch better not steal the last pair of size 7!!) Third-timers spend their time trying to prove everyone wrong by becoming the assholes that taunted them (now, that’s some messed up stuff, right?!)

People who are inherently cool, own his/her shit. They own his/her quirks. They know who they are and they have a bad-ass vibe that screams don’t fuck with me. This bad-ass vibe makes them #first-timers and #second-timers.   You were the girl who collected rocks and you own that shit #noshameinmyrockgame. Therefore, #first-timers and #second-timers are never subjected  to the horror of becoming a #third-timer. Long story short- #third-timers are the WORST. Third-timers are also the biggest offenders of the #namedrop-(no one cares if you were in the general vicinity of a celebrity who doesn’t know you.) LA is a magnet of #third-timers. You can smell their #third-timeness on them, the minute you meet them #gross. You will be forced to interact with many #third-timers.  I also regret to inform you, but at one point in your life you, will date one (we all make mistakes, I forgive you.)  No one needs to deal with a #third-timer’s bullshit. This is why #third-timers only hang out with other #third-timers (we don’t need that ISH.) If you do cool shit, you don’t talk about it with everyone in the world- you just direct message it in #instagram to your besties or group chat it to your besties (FUCKING DUH.) Here are the five tell-tale signs of a #third-timer:

  • They tell you they want to sleep with a celebrity or brag about sleeping with a D-list celebrity.
    • Notes from the #first-timers & #second-timers:
      • Hi, we don’t care. Do you really think it sounds cool to talk like that?
      • Celebrities came to our parties in high school.
    • They become club promoters post-college or brag about tables and bottle service.
      • Notes from the #first-timers & #second-timers:
        • Wait, aren’t you almost 40? Please stop dancing with that 18 year old. You’re married and you could be her Dad (we don’t think this is hot.)
        • #Third-timers have never seen the backroom of a club.
        • #Third-timers definitely didn’t study abroad- AKA party in every major club in Europe. #bitchwedidthatshit10yearsago
      • They like their own Instagram photos or worse their own Facebook status.
        • Notes from the #first-timers & #second-timers:
          • JUST, NO.
        • They overcompensate FOR EVERYTHING.
          • Notes from the #first-timers & #second-timers:
            • Unless you’re Jennifer Lopez or a Kardashian, doing an outfit change at a party is embarrassing.
            • When you #blessed or #lovemylife and you don’t do it ironically- we judge you HARD.
          • They are fake as shit.
            • Notes from the #first-timers & #second-timers:
              • Please don’t tell me you like my blouse I just spilled on-yes I noticed.
              • We would rather talk to a wall, but are stuck chatting with you. Yes, we are fantasizing about our Pinterest page. We tuned out as soon as you asked why Kanye worked with an undiscovered artist #PaulMcCartnery #doyouseriouslynotknowthebeatles?!

 

 

 

LESSONS YOU LEARN WHILE VACATIONING WITH YOUR FAMILY

St Thomas 
Sorry for the break Lu, you were out of town traveling with your ENTIRE family (for the first time in 12 years.) A lot goes through your mind when you’re about to embark on a vacation with your family as an adult. Especially, when you know you will be confined to a cruise ship for the trip. You’ll wonder if you’ll want to kill each other. You’ll wonder who will get sick. You’ll wonder if one sister will get more presents (it always happens.) But, lets be honest -you’re just excited to get out of town (with your family) and go on a free trip. You LOVE spending time with your family as an adult (no, you’re not embarrassed to say this, they are  #coolasshit.) I know your childhood nickname for your Mom was “the devil” as a teenager. You swore up and down you would never be like her, but you will transition out of hating your Mother (no teenagers like their parents, it’s a thing) to being obsessed with her. I literally don’t know what you would do without your Mom. Your Mom becomes one of your best friends- not in the way that she tries to relive her glory years by raging with your friends. But, in the way that you can call her for anything and your friends want to come over for ANY meal #iloveyoumom. Anyways, here’s some life lessons you learned while cruising with your family:

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  1. HOLY SHIT- vacation is EXPENSIVE (APPRECIATE IT.) Yes,  you will eat everything on your plate. Don’t let a good free meal go to waste!
  2. When you are one of four sisters, guys will hit on ALL of you. Yes, even your baby 18 year old sister (it’s still weird to watch though.)
  3. Even in your late 20’s, you will still bicker with ALL of your sisters. You love each other anyway, but they  better not touch YOUR top!
  4. You will have a stalker named Jonathan. He will follow you and your sisters wherever you go (he’s like that guy Brainy from “Hey Arnold.”) He will literally stand and hover in silence while you sunbathe in silence for 20 minutes until it gets awkward. You will ask him to leave. He will still follow you and your sisters to the bar AND everywhere else on the ship. P.S.- You and your sisters do not miss him.
  5. You run into people everywhere. Even on a #celebritycruise. Yes, you run into an old co-worker and his girlfriend on the boat. You also run into a guy you made out with one  time. He will be on your plane ride to Miami, you will not speak to each other. (#seriously.)
  6. When you’re on a cruise, you see the same people over and over again. You and your younger sister will mutually crush on the #USC guy. The #USC guy wore a #USC hat on your flight over  and showed up on your cruise.) Yes, #USC guy (we don’t know if he actually went there/goes there) feel free to message me or my sister. We still want your number- even if you only like to talk to your parents.) Seriously, #USC guy didn’t talk to anyone else- we know this because we ran into him  5 times a day #awkward.
  7. Someone will ALWAYS get sick.
  8. You will actually like cruising- it’s like a floating Vegas. If #celebritycruises needs a spokesperson, tell them your available.
  9. ALWAYS get the unlimited premium drinking package. If the Molecular Bar was a person, you would tell them you miss them. It was a break up you did not initiate and you will never forget them. (yes, you were valued Molecular Bar, deeply.)
  10. You’re family is the SHIT. You love all of them so much. You’re also ALL fucking crazy (including you) but you wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s like being part of a reality show, but without producers feeding you lines.