Muscle Relaxers with a side of Ben & Jerry’s

Lu, one Halloween weekend, your friend will drag you to a mansion party. Some ex- frat bros with way too much money will own some mansion with it’s own dance hall. These bros throw a rager every Halloween. At the party, some guy dressed as a cow (although he looked more like a dalmatian-he had black spots painted on and floppy ears -it was very confusing) will start chatting you up. You’ll find out he worked at your former company, so immediately you’ll have a lot in common. You will just be out of a relationship and decide to go with it. He’ll invite himself to sleepover, but you’re not ready to do anything besides make out. You’ll wear the world’s ugliest sweats (as a deterrent, naturally) and stay up laughing the entire night. You’ll realize that you actually like this guy, even though he smeared makeup all over your pillowcase (learn how to wipe off your spots, jeez.) You’ll go on a bunch of dates and it will start heading in a more serious direction (which is not what you are looking for.) But then one night, things will get weird.

This story is a little dated, so I can’t remember if he got in a car accident or a ski accident, but he really messed up his back. He had to have back surgery, which left him bedridden for months. He was prescribed muscle relaxers to deal with the pain. You’ll notice that he took muscle relaxers from time-to-time. It wasn’t your  place to interject.  You didn’t really think about it. But one night, he’ll ask you to come over to watch a movie. When you get there, he’ll seem kind of out it. You’ll assume he’s tired. He’ll ask you to walk with him to get Ben and Jerry’s (no, not for you, but for him, like whatever.) On the walk over, he’ll drag his feet. You’ll ask if he’s ok. He’ll insist he’s fine. You’ll quickly realize he took muscle relaxers prior to your arrival. You will get back to his apartment and he’ll start eating the Ben and Jerry’s right out of the pint ( you know like how girls do when they get dumped by their boyfriends.) He can’t really grip the spoon and he will start dripping ice cream all over himself and his white sweater (pointer- this is not hot.) You will literally go straight into Mom mode because he will start shaking and slurring his words. You will begin to panic internally. He’ll insist he’s fine. He’ll tell you that what he loves about you is that you always take care of him. Like, hello, if you love someone of course you want to take care of them (DUH.) But, when you are just two months into dating, you don’t want to wipe Ben & Jerry’s off of someone’s sweater because they took prescription pills alone. You’re no angel. You’ve  had your fair of shit go down, but abusing pills and taking them alone, is a much bigger conversation than drinking a little to much one night. It’s fucking terrifying taking care of someone who took to many drugs.  However, he’ll progressively get better, so you realize you don’t need to drive him to some hospital. He’ll ask you to put him to bed. He’ll also ask you to cuddle him until he falls asleep. Keep in mind, he’s 6’2 and your 5’4. There’s no way you should you ever be the big spoon. You’ll realize that everyone has baggage.


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