Hello Lu, it’s been a minute. I’m sorry. I neglected you. Life gets in the way sometimes. After all this time apart, a lot has happened. I don’t need to go into the details, but I have a great story for you. First and foremost, if you are going to go on a diet and not eat carbs, please refrain from drinking more than 3 drinks. Why, you ask? Good question. Let me fill you in. You are a dating machine these days. You are really putting yourself out there, which is great. Most of the time, the dates are fine but nothing to write home about. Then, you will meet a guy, the natural way (on an app) and actually like your first date. That probably doesn’t sound that surprising to you, but it is to the adult you. I’m going to be honest. You really don’t like that many people. You’re super picky, so when you meet someone who peaks your interest, it’s very exciting. Meeting someone you like doesn’t mean anything (although it is nice.) You have no idea if they are hung up on an ex. You have no idea if they went on six other dates that week. ALWAYS keep your options open. Anyways, you will make it to a third date with this guy. This is what happened:

He will pick you up from your apartment and open the car door (bonus points) and you will get dinner at Sushi Roku. Please keep in mind, all you ate prior to dinner was eggs for breakfast (note to self: NEVER FUCKING DO THAT AGAIN.) You will share some rolls and sashimi, but you really should have powered down a big mac and some fries. Anyways, he will proceed to tell you that he loves doing really obscure ridiculous things on dates… which instantly adds some bonus points to his rising tally. He will suggest going to Kevin Federline’s birthday party at some trashy club and your heart stops. This kid is as much of a freak as you– it’s fantastic. You go back to his place and pregame with some wine. Please note: You are already 2-3 drinks in. You will head to the club and order a vodka soda. Then you will let your freak flag fly. You will drop it like it’s hot and you will give zero fucks. Somehow, I don’t think he’s embarrassed. You are the better dancer of the two…OBVIOUSLY. Then you will get another drink (which you will regret instantly.) You go from zero to 60 and you are SHITFACED on a fucking date. This is not your crew, this is your fucking date. YOU ARE AN IDIOT. Please self-monitor better in the future. You proceed to order a $113 dollar Uber (you order an SUV because you are SHITFACED) and go back to his place.

You don’t do anything besides make out and you pass out like the dead. You wake up at 5 in the morning next to a pile of your own vomit. Yes, you actually vomited in your sleep and yes it was terrifying. Then you will realize you are not in your fucking bed, you are at a guy’s house. Shockingly, you have actually never done this before. Also, this guy is fucking passed out, like a dead person (he apparently sleeps like you.) You go into covert operation mode and clean the shit out of his bed and manage to pick up all of your vomit ( I think.) Then he takes his dog out, yes he has a dog and yes he’s adorable. You literally thank G*d out loud and start scrubbing his sheets but it’s a disaster. You also feel like dying and you can’t exactly figure out the sexy way of saying—“Hii, I just puked in your bed.” So, what do you do? You say absolutely FUCKING NOTHING. He doesn’t even notice, which you don’t actually understand. HOW IS THAT FUCKING POSSIBLE?! HOW HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED THAT I HAVE BEEN SCRUBBING YOUR SHEETS WHILE YOU SLEEP?! WTF?! He will drive you home and you have to act normal and also hold the urge to vomit in his car. THANK GOD YOU STOLE SOME OF HIS TOOTHPASTE AND BRUSHED YOUR TEETH  (not his toothbrush, that would be disgusting) BECA– USE HE WILL GIVE YOU A KISS ON THE MOUTH GOODBYE.  THANK YOU G*D FOR TOOTHPASTE AND FOR THE FIVE PIECES OF GUM IN YOUR PURSE. You will get home and you will contemplate saying nothing. Then you will realize you are TOTALLY FUCKED and you have to own it like a lady. This is what you SAID:


This is what HE SAID: