LONDON CALLING

Lu, the best moments in life are the unexpected ones. Your friend will invite you out for a night on the town with her visitings friends from Tokyo. This girlfriend spent a year abroad and acquired an international crew  while traversing the globe. Remind yourself to do that next time instead of working for a psycho. Naturally, you anticipate you will meet Japanese locals, but will be pleasantly surprised when four English men (they HATE being called British) arrive at the bar. You and a particular lad (so English, I know) will hit it off. You won’t mind his aggressive advances because (he’s hot) but you’re feeling rather uninhibited yourself. You just landed your first executive gig #bossbitch, you have a full week off and you are no longer poor (AKA dependent on your parents for emergency funds, shut up, don’t judge).

However, your hot and heavy make out sesh will progress into a two hour heart-to-heart on his private hotel terrace (you LOVE heart-to-hearts and seamlessly stumble into them often). This conversation will unearth some alarming personal revelations but for the first time you disregard some interesting flaws. What are they? Glad you asked. First, this guy didn’t go to college. Yes, you read that correctly. NO COLLEGE (UMM, WTF). Apparently in London, college is a privilege not a necessity. Next, this guy went to jail. I’ll let you process that and then explain. Take as much time as you need. Cheese (as you like to call him) works in finance (AKA rolling in the bank) and got transferred to Japan as a broker for six years (hence how he met your friend). Japan is not like LA. If you get caught with an illegal substance, you are going straight to jail. No, there is no get out of jail free card, sorry. A club got raided and he got busted with half a pill of molly on him. He got thrown straight into the slammer. 34 days later, this dude was jail free. Sadly, I don’t think the two of you will be traveling to Japan anytime soon. Regardless of all this shit, you’re still into this dude. He didn’t go to college, but he’s smart. He went to jail, but somehow still has a very successful career and a seemingly strong moral compass.

You’ll spend the night. The next morning, he’ll invite you to ride in his limo and take you straight to Coachella. Unfortunately, you have to refuse the offer. When he returns to LA, on the subsequent Monday, you’ll grab wings and beer. English people think Americans are fat asses who only eat wings and drink Bud Light. Yes, he made you take picture of a Bud Light can for his FB album #embarrassing. Long story short, he is leaving for SF in the morning and you decide to join him on the tail end of his trip. You rob him of his personal voyage to SF (but he didn’t seem to mind… can’t blame the guy, right?) 8 hours and a bag of sunflower seeds later, you end up in San Francisco. In your mind—this trip is a spontaneous adventure with a hot English guy (I mean this story has bragging rights ALL over it).

However, the minute you arrive, the paradigm shifts. This carefree hook up transpires into a full-blown love affair jam packed with aggressive hand holding, PDA and endless heart-to-hearts. You guys did it all. From a Giants’ game, to a brewing tour, to a quick stop in Chinatown and ferry ride to Sausilito, this  travel adventure transformed into a whimsical fairytale. Naturally, you ruined the moment when he told you he fell in love by laughing in his face (but like who says I love you after three days…). You’ll  live completely in the moment but you can’t ignore the wave of sadness ; which hits like a tidal wave on the last day. You just lived Lost in Translation. But you fucking forgot about the sad part…THEY NEVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN. You live two completely different lives on opposite sides of the world in completely different time zones. But, you are hooked and he is too. I will never forget the look on his face the moment you said goodbye.

You still text and face time daily (even though this was only a week ago). You are already planning your next trip, but, you know one day, you’ll have to let this one go. Cheese please don’t haunt me on the morning of my wedding day (g*d willing it happens).

 

SHOWERING WITH STRANGERS

There’s nothing more intimate than showering with someone. This usually marks your foray from a hook up into a relationship. Why? Because showering with strangers is weird. In a shower, you see everything. You can’t hide anything. When you hook up, you usually do it in bed. You usually do it in the dark, but you NEVER take a shower in the dark. First of all, who does that? It’s creepy. Second, you don’t want to waste your $20 dollar shampoo by  confusing it with your body wash. You also don’t want death by shower listed on your death certificate. Anyways, I digress. The point is- you love living in the moment. Sometimes that lands you in a NYC loft with a broody investment banker –other times it lands you in a 30 year-old CE’s/frat boy’s shower.

There will be this guy. You will see him everywhere for a few months (nothing new for you, of course.) But, somehow, this guy will become intertwined into your social network. He will hit on you every time you see him, but you’ll never be interested enough to follow through. The more you see him, the more he grows on you. Familiarity has a way of breeding an attraction you would never entertain. Anyways, you end up at the same dinner party one night. You will be placed next to each other at the dinner table (yes, there was arranged seating.) At this point, you figure, why not? You’ll chat it up the entire night. You have at least 10 run-ins to reminisce about. One thing will lead to another and you will end up back at his place (AKA THE FRAT HO– USE.) You’re still on the fence about this guy. You won’t sleep with him. You’ll head to his bedroom, but he’ll quickly suggest jumping in the shower. You’ll look at him bewildered. He must be out of his mind. At the same time, why not? This is when you take a shower with a stranger. There’s no foul play here. The most X- rated this got (besides the whole being naked part) was a make out sesh. When you shower or take a bath with someone (yes, you also took a bath with someone you never slept with too) it creates this weird form of intimacy that doesn’t exist yet. It forges a connection that maybe you don’t want.

So you are probably wondering what the heck what happened with this guy? Because you showered with the dude, you felt compelled to give this guy a shot. So there you are, stuck with this really hot shower memory, with a guy you aren’t really into. However, you still go on a few dates. One night, you go to his place for some wine. You look at his TV and his computer screensaver is illuminated on the screen. What is the screensaver? Glad you asked. It’s a million photos of a million different girls NAKED. Not even my guy friends are dumb enough to stream their porn  stash on their TVs. Of course, I had to say something. When I called him out, do you know what he said? He said—“Oh, I never noticed that before. (ARE YOU BLIND?!) I need to change up some of those photos. You get tired of staring at the same tits, it must be like marriage.” EXC– USE ME, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU (HIM, not you, you’re perfect)?! Of course, I quickly made up some excuse to leave and NEVER hung out with him again –YUCK. Here’s my advice– shower with someone you love or at least have a schoolgirl crush on. It’s fun to live in the moment, of course. But, here’s the thing, this guy will always remember you naked in his gross shower. Every time you see him (yes, you have run into him since then), you will involuntarily flashback to that moment and TRUST ME that moment is definitely etched into his memory. So you took a shower with the porn guy… YOLO (it’s an acronym– you’ll use every time you do something stupid.)