All posts by Letterstolu

I CAN’T FEEL MY FACE WHEN I’M WITH YOU AND I DON’T LOVE IT

Dramatic title, but I’ve got your attention. Lu, you’re a strong and independent person. You don’t take shit from anybody. You’re officially a #bossbitch and when you end things you mean it. You’re friendly, but you know when to lay down the law. When it comes to dating, you’re pragmatic. You trust your gut. You seamlessly end any situation that doesn’t serve you. If anyone treats you like less than a prize– their history. You’re an extremely loving person. For a person with such an open heart, you don’t give it up easily. But, there’s one person who still gets under your skin.

When you see them, you see yourself change. He always sells you his story. His perfectly crafted pitch showcases his vulnerability but also highlights his personal accolades like noble prizes– prizes that overshadow any mention of your own achievements. You’ll share a weird evening and car ride together — connecting for the first time in years. During your two and half hour joy ride, you’ll listen as he reveals his personal benchmarks, explores his concerns and dissects his fears. You’ll instinctively feel this need to protect him. His demons scare you –you feel them weave in and out his manicured monologue. Instantly you cave. In a moment of your own insecurity, an insecurity he builds by inflating his own ego by destroying yours, you’ll offer a security–a security you instantly regret. You’ll hate yourself for being vulnerable– for expressing kindness to a person who thrives on your own misery. Your act of kindness makes you feel sick. You gave up a pawn on the checkerboard of life — you can’t forgive yourself. You hyper focus on this one chess piece instead of seeing the big picture. You see, you still have plenty of pieces left on the board. This player is no longer an active participant in your life.

I want to remind you that being kind does not make you weak– it makes you human. People who make you feel frail for being generous are shitty people. This is why anyone who makes you feel this way is no longer a permanent piece on your board of life. I want you to forgive yourself for being sweet to a person who doesn’t deserve even a glance in their direction. Being a compassionate person makes you strong NOT weak. But just remember, that piece is no longer on your board. SO, focus on the people in the squares not the ones on the sidelines. Don’t EVER hate yourself for having good character—it’ s what makes you so strong to begin with. I’m proud of you and I love you always Lu.

LIKE A BOSS

L’Shanah Tovah, Lu. Your new year is off to a great start. As a Creative Associate, who is also part of the Business Development team, you successfully ended your first work trip. As a networking pro, you landed your company 6 meetings and 1 potential HUGE brand direct business relationship (fingers crossed). You are a fucking #bossbitch. As a networking savant, you know opportunities can come at any moment, even when you are “watching” Monday night football.

You will have 48 hours in NYC , but you will obviously still make time for your NYC girls #fuckingduh. You and your girls will head to the Ainsworth to “watch” the game. You will be seated next to a group of bros. They are all swagged out in designer suits.  Instantly, you know, these are some banking bros AKA the real life Big’s of Manhattan. You and this guy start chatting it up. He will start asking you questions about some major California restaurant chains. He’s secretly testing you. You’ll seamlessly transition into work mode and start pitching marketing ideas for the brands. He’ll listen attentively, interjecting with questions and finally make his big reveal. This guy isn’t some Goldman Sachs banker– this guy is a FUCKING BOSS. BTW, the brands he was asking you about, he owns. This guy is a MAJOR hedge fund guy. He buys out the majority stake in struggling companies, restructures them, brings them back to life and then sells them at triple the cost. After you pass his test, he’ll confide in you– detailing a recent business acquisition. He gets straight to business. He gets your email and starts scrolling through his calendar. You’ll reveal you are leaving the next day, so he works around your availability to set up a pitch meeting. Within 10 minutes, he adds you to his calendar and you are back to casual bar talk.

You’ll get home and Google this guy. Articles from Forbes, Wallstreet Journal and Business Insider will fill your screen. You didn’t realize the magnitude of his success or the nationwide impact his business tactics have on the U.S. financial market. The next day, he’ll confirm the meeting. He’ll start by noting that he only has 15 minutes but your meeting will last a full hour. After winning him over in the room, he’ll agree to give you and your colleague a shot. You have 2 weeks to pitch ideas and send them through. If you do well, you can continue the discussion, if you don’t, he’ll move on to his next big project. You will give this project everything you have. Regardless of what happens, this executive restored your faith in people.  Success doesn’t make you a dick, character does. He’s one of the most successful people you have ever met  and he never once bragged about his accomplishments. He  listened attentively and treated my colleague and I with respect. He transformed a meeting into a discussion and instantly put me at ease (I mean he still asked tough questions, but he never belittled you or undermined your answers). I will forever be grateful for that meeting, regardless of what transpires.   I’m beyond proud of you for getting yourself in the room and also beyond thankful for this person taking a leap of faith in you/company you work for. I’m so proud of how far you come and can’t wait to see what the future has in store for you Lu.

TRENDY CHURCH

Lu, when you leave the magical red gates of Los Encinos, you will embark on a brand new adventure. With a quick hop and skip, you will find yourself at Campbell Hall, a prestigious academic private school. Your 120-person class will overwhelm you. But, nonetheless, you’ll still manage to make your stamp as you climb through the ranks of middle school/high school. One of the unique selling points of your future alma mater (outside of going to school with Mary Kate & Ashley) will be chapel.

As a Jew with mission to attend a great university, the prospect of chapel did not deter you. In fact, the school bolstered a diverse religious portfolio. You were one of many Jews signing up for the opportunity. These chapel services, a bi-weekly deprave from the stresses of your day, provided an opportunity for you to sit with your friends, gossip about the weekend and from time-to-time listen to the service. These services, led by our Chaplian covered all religions. Rather then inspecting passages from the Bible (which happened on occasion), each sermon was carefully crafted to cover a variety of topics–from stress management to guest speakers sharing stories/customs from other faiths ( my personal favorite was OBVIOUSLY the beat boxing competition), chapel covered it all. Although, it sounds serious in tone, it was a time to let go. It offered time to reflect but also a time to have fun. One of your favorite high school memories is when a group of seniors stole the coveted 4th R video. This VHS tape was locked in the Chaplain’s office and played once a year. Annually, we would congregate together, armed with sweaters and friends to nap on while we snoozed away the boring instructional video. But, instead of hearing about the 4Rs—Reading, Writing, Arithmetic and Religion (the big surprise), imagery of a cartoon spoon complaining it was too big and Asian guys dancing around with bananas leaves flashed up on the screen. To an outsider it sounds stupid, but to you and every other Viking in the building, it was the best high school prank of all time #preach.

So how does Trendy Church fit into all of this? I’m getting there. As you will discover, you love to set up your stories. Plus, I want you to catalog your memories, so we are condensing your experience with religion with one big scoop/post.

So, anyways, one thing you will notice about LA is talking about religion is #nottrendy. Being religious (outside of using religion to get a free day out of work) is not widely discussed (at least in my experience).

Now, you aren’t a super religious person. Growing up, you’ll spend high holidays in temple. Your mother, a Christian by birth, but a Jew by choice (she converted), fully embraced both faiths. Latkes grace the table every year for Hanukkah and Christmas trees (yes, plural) cover every inch of your house during the holidays. My parents like chapel promoted an environment where you embrace religion for the cultural/moral reasons rather than a life strictly guided by text.

Something you’ll discover is that a life without exploring faith feels unsubstantial. I’m not preaching Judaism over Christianity or the other way around. But, I do think the pillars of all religion provide us with faith, faith in a bigger plan and more importantly a platform to discuss how we define morals and a way to reflect on our own actions. I want you to continue to explore and evolve this conversation as you continue to evolve as a person.

So, your sister will one day start talking about trendy church.  Now, she doesn’t call it that, but you will forever call it #trendychurch. It was this new thing her and her actors friends were doing. Then I found out my co-worker was doing it. Then the following week at a work lunch, my business contact dropped it  (it was this not so secret but kinda secret  word-of-mouth thing.) So I had to know, what is this church-less church place.  #Trendychurch is built outside the confines of church walls. The sermons take place inside the ballrooms of distinguished hotels. People of all faiths gather for a weekly service. As you can imagine, this is not your typical church. Every week, seats are filled with some of the most glamorous people you will  see in your life. You could go for the people watching/trend alerts alone. It’s so LA but in the best way.  In the sea of actors, successful entrepreneurs and fashion mavens, you’ll find one common thread, these people adorned with crosses and kippahs are looking for the same comfort you seek– a way to quietly reflect on life. Now, I am not telling you to convert and preach the gospel on the streets. Religion doesn’t need to be so extreme. But, trendy church, in all it’s glamorous glory, reminded you that it’s ok to think about faith, whatever that means to you. I think you should always live a life in faith. As you grow and evolve, how you define faith will change. But, I think all religions at the core provide us with tools to live life well, ways to cope with our mistakes and constantly challenge us to be the best version of ourselves.

DEAD TO ME

Lu, one of your favorite sayings as an adult is, “dead to me.” Someone did something shitty? They are so #deadtoyou. Walking away from things you care about or people you love is an extremely hard thing to do. But learning how to remove people who don’t add value to your life or reciprocate the same respect you bestow upon them is essential. You can spend your life investing in relationships that don’t fulfill you, but the only person you’re hurting in the end is yourself.

But you want to prove them ALL wrong? You want to win everyone over. You are fucking fabulous and you want the whole world to know. A battle every person ON THIS PLANET struggles with is wanting to be the exception. We want to be the one person that the bitchy boss promotes or the one girl to change a player into a loving and dotting boyfriend. Here’s the deal.

We always want to be the exception BUT you should be your own exception. You can’t control how other people feel or what other people think. BUT, you can control how people treat you. If you accept shitty behavior from people, they don’t just wake up one day and see the light (shocking, I know). Do you know what they do? They just continue to treat you like shit. We want to give people the benefit of the doubt. But, let me let you in on a secret Lu, everyone is obsessed with their own lives. It’s very rare for a selfish person to even beware or care about their shitty behavior (they are too caught up in their own stuff to care or will find other people to put up with their crap).You’re a person who loves to analyze everything. You want to run through every fucking detail of every situation and get to the bottom of it. You want to figure out the intent behind every action. But here’s the truth- you are never going to truly know what anyone thinks. No one is going to give you some secret key to read someone’s mind. You can sit and talk to your girlfriends or family about a shitty person or situation for hours, but in the end the only thing you are doing is wasting YOUR time.

It’s easy to hold on to things or people that don’t serve us because it’s scary to face being alone or accepting something’s over. It’s easier to invest energy into bad situations and people than to take a look at the mirror and see what drove you to tolerate bad behavior. Personally, I love to hold on to things. But, in your 20’s you will learn how to let go and move on. You show people how to treat you. Sometimes that means kicking people to the curb (you have to be ok with that). Being “dead to you” doesn’t mean you let go of the memories you share with people but it does mean you let go of situations or people that don’t serve you. I promise you, you have found so much more happiness by investing in yourself. Remember to always kick the haters and losers to the curb because those bitches are #deadtoyou and you are too fucking fabulous for anything less than amazing.

LONDON CALLING ….PART TWO…. SHATTERING A FAIRYTALE

Let’s catch up Lu. You’ve been talking to your London lover for a few months now. He texts you almost daily, calls you weekly. He puts you on the phone with his closest friends who gush about how much he adores you. He prompts you to visit, begging to recreate your whimsical trip in SF. You act on the impulse. You book the trip. You think about the trip almost daily.  You count down the moments until you are on your next adventure with this seemingly stud. When you finally arrive, it all seems copasetic. He has everything mapped out.

On the surface, it’s great. He takes you to dinner at his favorite tapas bar, making sure he orders all your favorite dishes from Barcelona (he knew how much you loved your time abroad there). The following night, he’ll take you to dinner in Chinatown. He wants a tradition with you (since you guys went to Chinatown in SF). He wanted to recreate the memory again, a special moment shared just for you two. Next, he’ll surprise you with tickets to the Beatles show because you really wanted to do something “English.” What’s more English than a musical about a British band? Nothing, I know. He’ll also book a romantic dinner at his favorite high-end restaurant, a place he’s only ever taken his family on special occasions. A special occasion he hoped to memorialize with his California lady. Then, of course, there was the champagne tour of the London Eye. He wanted to GO BIG and make it extra special. It all sounds so wonderful, doesn’t it?

You can create moments with people, but when it comes to romance you fall in love by conversation, by touch, you get the point. Let’s start with our sex life. My really hot romantic trip included one night of sex. Yes, you read that right. I can’t think of anything worse than being away with someone with seemingly no sex drive.

The minute we got home, he would head straight to bed and pass out before I even made it into the bedroom. Like did you really need your 8 beers at dinner? I am only here for 5 fucking days or maybe you are a straight alcoholic, I don’t know. Talk about feeling like a wanted woman. Nothing feels worse than visiting a guy who has no interest in having sex with you. WHY DID YOU INVITE ME?! Second, the hand holding thing? That shit is out the fucking window like 80 percent of the time. Now, he walks fast, he did in SF. BUT, trying to follow him around the tube was like a dog following his owner. The one time I walked ahead, I get reprimanded for being an attention-seeking. Our “romantic” West End dinner conversation consisted of him telling me how he loves being single, being able to hook up with whomever he wants. He dreaded having to plan anything in his former relationship (which he neglected to mention after insisting on planning our entire trip). Mind you, the day before I left for the trip, he talked about getting married (a conversation I NEVER fucking initiated  but he made me entertain for 30 minutes). After, I sat in silence, trying to not throw my fucking dinner plate in his fucking face. I got reprimanded again, for “sulking.” I’m sorry I wasn’t thrilled to hear you brag about your bachelor life as well as talk shit about your former girlfriend. I was out of order and “misbehaved.” My rebuff was quickly silenced, once his friends walked in the room. I wasn’t going to make a scene for someone’s whose emotions are my up and down than a rollercoaster.  I knew the only way to get through the rest of the trip was to FAKE the entire fucking thing.

Then came the parading of me around his friends. In public, London acted like a doting lover, buying all my drinks, showing rare signs of affection. His friends adored me, inviting me on trips and telling London I was the one to marry. At moments when we were alone, he acted  cold, distant, uninterested and annoyed with my overall presence. I think he’s an actual misogynist. At times he acted like I was the love of his life and other times I was an inconvenience. There were great moments but his own insecurities about relationships/feelings isn’t my responsibility. Grow up.

When he hugged me goodbye, he wouldn’t let me go. Like -I’m sorry do you have a PHD in faking emotion or are you just fucking psycho? He also neatly stacked all of our tickets into his memory box before I left, making sure he didn’t miss a single ticket or memory from our trip.  I didn’t know how to feel or act.  Like why do you even care? I felt disgusted at the thought of even having to tolerate his embrace, dramatic, but true. I felt betrayed, disappointed and BEYOND confused. I was sad to leave London but couldn’t wait to get away from my “lover.” Next, of course, my phone starts blowing up with “lovely messages” about how wonderful our time was together and him “checking in” to make sure I made it to my flight on time. What did I learn? Misogynists exist. London is a bomb ass city. I will NEVER be a kept woman. I handle horrible situations like a boss.  Sometimes the best thing you can have is 5,000 miles worth of space.

 

 

FAMILY TIES

Lu, you promised yourself for one full year you would write this blog. I’m not about to negate that promise, don’t worry. Part of the reason you started this blog was to empower yourself. Writing is a form of self- expression. When you write from your own experiences, you’re going to cover the gamut. Topics will range from whimsical, to funny to fucking embarrassing, but no matter the topic, you’ll derive a joy from crafting the perfect story (except this post will be hard, but it will be cathartic). You’re naturally a storyteller. I know it’s  hard to believe. You and I both know you were extremely shy growing up. With age, you’ve learned to command the presence of the room, AKA you love to talk to LITERALLY anyone. You have a sincere fascination with other people’s stories (hence why you went into reality TV for a minute). You have a level of empathy deep rooted from your own trying experiences. You’re open book. You are also a terrible liar.

There’s still this fear about exposing your own hardships. You don’t mind sharing your experiences, but you don’t want your own hardships to be perceived as weakness. I’m going to challenge  you to write about something difficult. I’m going to ask you to talk freely. You are going to talk freely (to yourself) because if you don’t, you’re going to live a miserable life. You can’t lie to yourself. People who lie to themselves rob themselves from any true joy in life. Don’t live like that. You are going to let go of any regard for any outside perceptions. I’m going to force you to finish this post.

I think people have this perception that you live a perfect family life. You are extremely close to your family (that I can guarantee is not a misperception). But, like all families, you are far from perfect. You’re fiercely protective of your family. You feel the need to be physically close to them because you worry about them. However, sometimes you grapple with the thought of staying in LA. You would do anything for your family (of course). You love them more than anything on this planet. But, they don’t always respect the boundaries that come with being an adult. Your responsibility to act as an adult is scrutinized when you do something seemingly self-serving but your ability to exercise that right (to be an adult and make  a decision best for you) is scrutinized when it causes discourse with what the family wants.  It’s something you’ve wrestled with for years. At times, this sense of guilt is bestowed on you by your family while other times this guilt is self-imposed by you. This fundamental struggle is rooted from your past. Let me give you some context (as you know, you love giving context for ALL situations).

You see, when you hit high school your older sister will go a-wall. Her temperament will change. Her erratic behavior will be extreme. She’ll go from crying to laughing in seconds #WTF. Then, one night, you’ll get a call. You’ll find out your sister acted like a fucking psycho because she got real extreme and tried her hand at heroine. Your sister will go in and out rehab for 5 years. She’ll lie to you, she’ll almost die, she’ll go missing for months on end. When someone is a drug addict, they don’t go through it alone. You go through all the motions together. You’re not a person to wallow in your misery. Your parents needed you to be strong and you didn’t really give it a second thought. (Side note–your older sister is now over 5 years clean, she’s a rock star).

Then your younger sister (during the same time) will also go through trying times. You will alternate visiting your older sister in rehab and visiting your younger sister in treatment centers. Your younger sister struggles with severe depression.

During this phase of your life, you will protect your family’s image. You won’t discuss the situation outside the home. Inadvertently, you’ll become your parent’s therapists. The situation will force you to grow up really fast. By default you innately love talking to people about their problems. It’s kind of ingrained in who you are. However, the role reversal will weigh on you but no one can be prepared for the magnitude of the situation (even parents need to vent). Your parents are phenomenal (just ask your ex-boyfriends, I think they would gladly date both of them). Your parents saved your sister’s lives. Your parents will teach that you never give up on the people you love, especially family. As an adult, you’re BEYOND proud of your siblings for going through those hardships and making it out the other side. I can’t express in words how lucky you are to have them in your life and how proud you are of both of them.

You’ll be forever grateful for the life lessons the situation will give you. You don’t feel sorry for yourself either. You know that countless people share this struggle. You feel even worse for the people still living through it. Addiction and depression are diseases. You would give anything to take those hardships away from your siblings. At the end of the day, these circumstances will make you a better person.

Sometimes you’re scared people will judge if they found out. Especially, when you are dating (which you definitely are now). You’re worried someone will misjudge you for it or think that you are fucked up because you just happened to go through some life shit. You will eventually have two boyfriends (at different times, you aren’t that much of a pimp) who will love you regardless. But, it’s always a little scary to think about broaching the topic again (it will eventually come up down the line) with someone new. On a totally different note, you’re also scared of leaving LA. You love spending time with your family and you worry about abandoning them.

No matter what you decide in life (as you know, the one thing guaranteed in life is change) it will all be ok. When you start seriously dating someone again, they won’t care about your family history (deep down you know this). Deep down, you also know, if you ever need to leave LA, your family will support you. Sometimes, we let our own guilt control us. DON’T DO THAT! You have to live life for you. You have to make decisions based on what makes you happy. Inadvertently, by choosing to do what is best for you, you will also make decisions that are best for the people you love. When you love people, you take them into consideration for every big life decision, especially your family. When people love you,  your family definitely does, they want you to do what is best for you.  So just trust your gut. Growing up is scary, but I promise it’s worth the ride.

 

LONDON CALLING

Lu, the best moments in life are the unexpected ones. Your friend will invite you out for a night on the town with her visitings friends from Tokyo. This girlfriend spent a year abroad and acquired an international crew  while traversing the globe. Remind yourself to do that next time instead of working for a psycho. Naturally, you anticipate you will meet Japanese locals, but will be pleasantly surprised when four English men (they HATE being called British) arrive at the bar. You and a particular lad (so English, I know) will hit it off. You won’t mind his aggressive advances because (he’s hot) but you’re feeling rather uninhibited yourself. You just landed your first executive gig #bossbitch, you have a full week off and you are no longer poor (AKA dependent on your parents for emergency funds, shut up, don’t judge).

However, your hot and heavy make out sesh will progress into a two hour heart-to-heart on his private hotel terrace (you LOVE heart-to-hearts and seamlessly stumble into them often). This conversation will unearth some alarming personal revelations but for the first time you disregard some interesting flaws. What are they? Glad you asked. First, this guy didn’t go to college. Yes, you read that correctly. NO COLLEGE (UMM, WTF). Apparently in London, college is a privilege not a necessity. Next, this guy went to jail. I’ll let you process that and then explain. Take as much time as you need. Cheese (as you like to call him) works in finance (AKA rolling in the bank) and got transferred to Japan as a broker for six years (hence how he met your friend). Japan is not like LA. If you get caught with an illegal substance, you are going straight to jail. No, there is no get out of jail free card, sorry. A club got raided and he got busted with half a pill of molly on him. He got thrown straight into the slammer. 34 days later, this dude was jail free. Sadly, I don’t think the two of you will be traveling to Japan anytime soon. Regardless of all this shit, you’re still into this dude. He didn’t go to college, but he’s smart. He went to jail, but somehow still has a very successful career and a seemingly strong moral compass.

You’ll spend the night. The next morning, he’ll invite you to ride in his limo and take you straight to Coachella. Unfortunately, you have to refuse the offer. When he returns to LA, on the subsequent Monday, you’ll grab wings and beer. English people think Americans are fat asses who only eat wings and drink Bud Light. Yes, he made you take picture of a Bud Light can for his FB album #embarrassing. Long story short, he is leaving for SF in the morning and you decide to join him on the tail end of his trip. You rob him of his personal voyage to SF (but he didn’t seem to mind… can’t blame the guy, right?) 8 hours and a bag of sunflower seeds later, you end up in San Francisco. In your mind—this trip is a spontaneous adventure with a hot English guy (I mean this story has bragging rights ALL over it).

However, the minute you arrive, the paradigm shifts. This carefree hook up transpires into a full-blown love affair jam packed with aggressive hand holding, PDA and endless heart-to-hearts. You guys did it all. From a Giants’ game, to a brewing tour, to a quick stop in Chinatown and ferry ride to Sausilito, this  travel adventure transformed into a whimsical fairytale. Naturally, you ruined the moment when he told you he fell in love by laughing in his face (but like who says I love you after three days…). You’ll  live completely in the moment but you can’t ignore the wave of sadness ; which hits like a tidal wave on the last day. You just lived Lost in Translation. But you fucking forgot about the sad part…THEY NEVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN. You live two completely different lives on opposite sides of the world in completely different time zones. But, you are hooked and he is too. I will never forget the look on his face the moment you said goodbye.

You still text and face time daily (even though this was only a week ago). You are already planning your next trip, but, you know one day, you’ll have to let this one go. Cheese please don’t haunt me on the morning of my wedding day (g*d willing it happens).

 

SHOWERING WITH STRANGERS

There’s nothing more intimate than showering with someone. This usually marks your foray from a hook up into a relationship. Why? Because showering with strangers is weird. In a shower, you see everything. You can’t hide anything. When you hook up, you usually do it in bed. You usually do it in the dark, but you NEVER take a shower in the dark. First of all, who does that? It’s creepy. Second, you don’t want to waste your $20 dollar shampoo by  confusing it with your body wash. You also don’t want death by shower listed on your death certificate. Anyways, I digress. The point is- you love living in the moment. Sometimes that lands you in a NYC loft with a broody investment banker –other times it lands you in a 30 year-old CE’s/frat boy’s shower.

There will be this guy. You will see him everywhere for a few months (nothing new for you, of course.) But, somehow, this guy will become intertwined into your social network. He will hit on you every time you see him, but you’ll never be interested enough to follow through. The more you see him, the more he grows on you. Familiarity has a way of breeding an attraction you would never entertain. Anyways, you end up at the same dinner party one night. You will be placed next to each other at the dinner table (yes, there was arranged seating.) At this point, you figure, why not? You’ll chat it up the entire night. You have at least 10 run-ins to reminisce about. One thing will lead to another and you will end up back at his place (AKA THE FRAT HO– USE.) You’re still on the fence about this guy. You won’t sleep with him. You’ll head to his bedroom, but he’ll quickly suggest jumping in the shower. You’ll look at him bewildered. He must be out of his mind. At the same time, why not? This is when you take a shower with a stranger. There’s no foul play here. The most X- rated this got (besides the whole being naked part) was a make out sesh. When you shower or take a bath with someone (yes, you also took a bath with someone you never slept with too) it creates this weird form of intimacy that doesn’t exist yet. It forges a connection that maybe you don’t want.

So you are probably wondering what the heck what happened with this guy? Because you showered with the dude, you felt compelled to give this guy a shot. So there you are, stuck with this really hot shower memory, with a guy you aren’t really into. However, you still go on a few dates. One night, you go to his place for some wine. You look at his TV and his computer screensaver is illuminated on the screen. What is the screensaver? Glad you asked. It’s a million photos of a million different girls NAKED. Not even my guy friends are dumb enough to stream their porn  stash on their TVs. Of course, I had to say something. When I called him out, do you know what he said? He said—“Oh, I never noticed that before. (ARE YOU BLIND?!) I need to change up some of those photos. You get tired of staring at the same tits, it must be like marriage.” EXC– USE ME, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU (HIM, not you, you’re perfect)?! Of course, I quickly made up some excuse to leave and NEVER hung out with him again –YUCK. Here’s my advice– shower with someone you love or at least have a schoolgirl crush on. It’s fun to live in the moment, of course. But, here’s the thing, this guy will always remember you naked in his gross shower. Every time you see him (yes, you have run into him since then), you will involuntarily flashback to that moment and TRUST ME that moment is definitely etched into his memory. So you took a shower with the porn guy… YOLO (it’s an acronym– you’ll use every time you do something stupid.)

THE TIME I LIKED A GUY AND PUKED IN HIS BED

Hello Lu, it’s been a minute. I’m sorry. I neglected you. Life gets in the way sometimes. After all this time apart, a lot has happened. I don’t need to go into the details, but I have a great story for you. First and foremost, if you are going to go on a diet and not eat carbs, please refrain from drinking more than 3 drinks. Why, you ask? Good question. Let me fill you in. You are a dating machine these days. You are really putting yourself out there, which is great. Most of the time, the dates are fine but nothing to write home about. Then, you will meet a guy, the natural way (on an app) and actually like your first date. That probably doesn’t sound that surprising to you, but it is to the adult you. I’m going to be honest. You really don’t like that many people. You’re super picky, so when you meet someone who peaks your interest, it’s very exciting. Meeting someone you like doesn’t mean anything (although it is nice.) You have no idea if they are hung up on an ex. You have no idea if they went on six other dates that week. ALWAYS keep your options open. Anyways, you will make it to a third date with this guy. This is what happened:

He will pick you up from your apartment and open the car door (bonus points) and you will get dinner at Sushi Roku. Please keep in mind, all you ate prior to dinner was eggs for breakfast (note to self: NEVER FUCKING DO THAT AGAIN.) You will share some rolls and sashimi, but you really should have powered down a big mac and some fries. Anyways, he will proceed to tell you that he loves doing really obscure ridiculous things on dates… which instantly adds some bonus points to his rising tally. He will suggest going to Kevin Federline’s birthday party at some trashy club and your heart stops. This kid is as much of a freak as you– it’s fantastic. You go back to his place and pregame with some wine. Please note: You are already 2-3 drinks in. You will head to the club and order a vodka soda. Then you will let your freak flag fly. You will drop it like it’s hot and you will give zero fucks. Somehow, I don’t think he’s embarrassed. You are the better dancer of the two…OBVIOUSLY. Then you will get another drink (which you will regret instantly.) You go from zero to 60 and you are SHITFACED on a fucking date. This is not your crew, this is your fucking date. YOU ARE AN IDIOT. Please self-monitor better in the future. You proceed to order a $113 dollar Uber (you order an SUV because you are SHITFACED) and go back to his place.

You don’t do anything besides make out and you pass out like the dead. You wake up at 5 in the morning next to a pile of your own vomit. Yes, you actually vomited in your sleep and yes it was terrifying. Then you will realize you are not in your fucking bed, you are at a guy’s house. Shockingly, you have actually never done this before. Also, this guy is fucking passed out, like a dead person (he apparently sleeps like you.) You go into covert operation mode and clean the shit out of his bed and manage to pick up all of your vomit ( I think.) Then he takes his dog out, yes he has a dog and yes he’s adorable. You literally thank G*d out loud and start scrubbing his sheets but it’s a disaster. You also feel like dying and you can’t exactly figure out the sexy way of saying—“Hii, I just puked in your bed.” So, what do you do? You say absolutely FUCKING NOTHING. He doesn’t even notice, which you don’t actually understand. HOW IS THAT FUCKING POSSIBLE?! HOW HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED THAT I HAVE BEEN SCRUBBING YOUR SHEETS WHILE YOU SLEEP?! WTF?! He will drive you home and you have to act normal and also hold the urge to vomit in his car. THANK GOD YOU STOLE SOME OF HIS TOOTHPASTE AND BRUSHED YOUR TEETH  (not his toothbrush, that would be disgusting) BECA– USE HE WILL GIVE YOU A KISS ON THE MOUTH GOODBYE.  THANK YOU G*D FOR TOOTHPASTE AND FOR THE FIVE PIECES OF GUM IN YOUR PURSE. You will get home and you will contemplate saying nothing. Then you will realize you are TOTALLY FUCKED and you have to own it like a lady. This is what you SAID:

DUDE TEXT 1

This is what HE SAID:

DUDE TEXT 2

TBD ON A DATE NUMBER 4.

Muscle Relaxers with a side of Ben & Jerry’s

Lu, one Halloween weekend, your friend will drag you to a mansion party. Some ex- frat bros with way too much money will own some mansion with it’s own dance hall. These bros throw a rager every Halloween. At the party, some guy dressed as a cow (although he looked more like a dalmatian-he had black spots painted on and floppy ears -it was very confusing) will start chatting you up. You’ll find out he worked at your former company, so immediately you’ll have a lot in common. You will just be out of a relationship and decide to go with it. He’ll invite himself to sleepover, but you’re not ready to do anything besides make out. You’ll wear the world’s ugliest sweats (as a deterrent, naturally) and stay up laughing the entire night. You’ll realize that you actually like this guy, even though he smeared makeup all over your pillowcase (learn how to wipe off your spots, jeez.) You’ll go on a bunch of dates and it will start heading in a more serious direction (which is not what you are looking for.) But then one night, things will get weird.

This story is a little dated, so I can’t remember if he got in a car accident or a ski accident, but he really messed up his back. He had to have back surgery, which left him bedridden for months. He was prescribed muscle relaxers to deal with the pain. You’ll notice that he took muscle relaxers from time-to-time. It wasn’t your  place to interject.  You didn’t really think about it. But one night, he’ll ask you to come over to watch a movie. When you get there, he’ll seem kind of out it. You’ll assume he’s tired. He’ll ask you to walk with him to get Ben and Jerry’s (no, not for you, but for him, like whatever.) On the walk over, he’ll drag his feet. You’ll ask if he’s ok. He’ll insist he’s fine. You’ll quickly realize he took muscle relaxers prior to your arrival. You will get back to his apartment and he’ll start eating the Ben and Jerry’s right out of the pint ( you know like how girls do when they get dumped by their boyfriends.) He can’t really grip the spoon and he will start dripping ice cream all over himself and his white sweater (pointer- this is not hot.) You will literally go straight into Mom mode because he will start shaking and slurring his words. You will begin to panic internally. He’ll insist he’s fine. He’ll tell you that what he loves about you is that you always take care of him. Like, hello, if you love someone of course you want to take care of them (DUH.) But, when you are just two months into dating, you don’t want to wipe Ben & Jerry’s off of someone’s sweater because they took prescription pills alone. You’re no angel. You’ve  had your fair of shit go down, but abusing pills and taking them alone, is a much bigger conversation than drinking a little to much one night. It’s fucking terrifying taking care of someone who took to many drugs.  However, he’ll progressively get better, so you realize you don’t need to drive him to some hospital. He’ll ask you to put him to bed. He’ll also ask you to cuddle him until he falls asleep. Keep in mind, he’s 6’2 and your 5’4. There’s no way you should you ever be the big spoon. You’ll realize that everyone has baggage.