RAP IT UP- A NIGHT AT A RAPPER’S HO– USE

So Lu, your first real job will be at a talent agency in Beverly Hills. You will have two bosses, one you love and the other will sexually harass you, but we can dive into that later. You will sit in front of another assistant who will become one of your best friends. She will go on to become a rock star agent boasting some of the biggest names in music as her clients #killingit. This girl will be a fellow valley girl and you will mutually fall in love with each other (in a totally non-lesbian way.) She will take you to countless shows, mansion parties, after parties, studio parties, backstage parties etc. You name it-you’ve done it.  But, I digress. One night, your rock star agent friend will text you and invite you to a party at a rapper’s house. This rapper started in TV but BLEW UP as a rapper, that’s my only hint. However, this party will be on a work night and you will be hesitant to go. Your roomie will tell you that you can’t miss this once in a lifetime opportunity and you both will quickly change into your best slutty/classy outfit AKA a blouse and jeans (so, not slutty at all.) You’ll drop off your car in a parking lot and a white van will be waiting to escort you to the property. You will be seated in a car packed with soon-to-be or current sidepieces (who are all just wearing bathing suits) and shuttled up to the estate. You will walk up to the mansion and you will DIE (you will come back to life…eventually.)

Once inside the property, there will be bars stocked with your favorite booze, a buffet lined with every BBQ bite you could imagine and there will be HOES everywhere. Girls will be twerking their booties and dropping it like it’s hot, hoping to win over the rapper. Now this rapper will be standing, sipping on water, carrying on with one of the members of his team, not even glancing at the girl shoving her bootie in everyone’s face. You will begin to wonder, why  isn’t  he even looking?! Hello, this girl is DTF. Then you’ll realize he’s fucking a rapper. He can date ANYONE he wants. He can throw a party and then leave that shit. BTW, he did, he left an hour later. One day I hope I am that badass. I invite a bunch of basic ass hoes to a party, get my rapper and actor friends to show up and then LEAVE THAT SHIT. Now, that’s how you ball hard. He didn’t even drink at his own fucking party, like you bad, boo, you bad. After he leaves you will walk the premises. I wish I could reveal the details, but it was the coolest house you have ever been to. You will walk in on two people having sex in a pool chair, see some single rappers chilling in a hot tub with no joke 20 women and you will stand at the top of the hill overlooking the party/mansion realizing your life isn’t too terrible.

THE 3RD TIMER

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Oh Lu, I could write a novel about 3rd timers, but I also don’t want to waste my time. You are probably wondering, what in the world a 3rd timer is and I am going to tell you. You see, there are multiple times in your life to be “cool.” It starts in kindergarten (of course)- it’s part of the social conditioning of life. There will always be popular kids and there always be kids who are not so popular (which is determined by the popular kids.) You see, the first time to really be cool, is in high school. If you make the cut to the popular crowd by high school, you’re a #first-timer. Then, there are people who walk the cusp, but get a second chance. Your second chance to be cool is when you go to college. If you’re popular in college, you are  a  #second-timer. Then, there are the worst kind of people – the   #third-timers. You see, #third-timers are the people who didn’t make the cut  in high school and didn’t make the cut in college. Therefore, #third-timers overcompensate HARD for the rest of their lives. I’m not glorifying anyone who is an asshole to someone in order to make the cool crowd (because that’s worse than a #third-timer.) The problem with the #third-timer is that they can’t let go of the social injustices inflicted on them in their youth. Everyone faces embarrassment (even #first-timers and #second-timers) but it’s the #first-timers and #second-timers ability to forgive and move past a fleeting moment that makes them a #first-timer and #second-timer. First-timers and second-timers have the courage to own who they are.  On the the other hand,  #third-timers,  try to make the cool crowd as a working professional. The problem, they already missed the boat (you see Lu, it doesn’t actually matter.) Trying to be popular as an adult is #embarrassing. People are too caught up with themselves to obsess over the perception of other people (it’s just a fact.) I care way more about someone stealing the shoes on hold in my shopping cart than about where a #third-timer went out last night (some bitch better not steal the last pair of size 7!!) Third-timers spend their time trying to prove everyone wrong by becoming the assholes that taunted them (now, that’s some messed up stuff, right?!)

People who are inherently cool, own his/her shit. They own his/her quirks. They know who they are and they have a bad-ass vibe that screams don’t fuck with me. This bad-ass vibe makes them #first-timers and #second-timers.   You were the girl who collected rocks and you own that shit #noshameinmyrockgame. Therefore, #first-timers and #second-timers are never subjected  to the horror of becoming a #third-timer. Long story short- #third-timers are the WORST. Third-timers are also the biggest offenders of the #namedrop-(no one cares if you were in the general vicinity of a celebrity who doesn’t know you.) LA is a magnet of #third-timers. You can smell their #third-timeness on them, the minute you meet them #gross. You will be forced to interact with many #third-timers.  I also regret to inform you, but at one point in your life you, will date one (we all make mistakes, I forgive you.)  No one needs to deal with a #third-timer’s bullshit. This is why #third-timers only hang out with other #third-timers (we don’t need that ISH.) If you do cool shit, you don’t talk about it with everyone in the world- you just direct message it in #instagram to your besties or group chat it to your besties (FUCKING DUH.) Here are the five tell-tale signs of a #third-timer:

  • They tell you they want to sleep with a celebrity or brag about sleeping with a D-list celebrity.
    • Notes from the #first-timers & #second-timers:
      • Hi, we don’t care. Do you really think it sounds cool to talk like that?
      • Celebrities came to our parties in high school.
    • They become club promoters post-college or brag about tables and bottle service.
      • Notes from the #first-timers & #second-timers:
        • Wait, aren’t you almost 40? Please stop dancing with that 18 year old. You’re married and you could be her Dad (we don’t think this is hot.)
        • #Third-timers have never seen the backroom of a club.
        • #Third-timers definitely didn’t study abroad- AKA party in every major club in Europe. #bitchwedidthatshit10yearsago
      • They like their own Instagram photos or worse their own Facebook status.
        • Notes from the #first-timers & #second-timers:
          • JUST, NO.
        • They overcompensate FOR EVERYTHING.
          • Notes from the #first-timers & #second-timers:
            • Unless you’re Jennifer Lopez or a Kardashian, doing an outfit change at a party is embarrassing.
            • When you #blessed or #lovemylife and you don’t do it ironically- we judge you HARD.
          • They are fake as shit.
            • Notes from the #first-timers & #second-timers:
              • Please don’t tell me you like my blouse I just spilled on-yes I noticed.
              • We would rather talk to a wall, but are stuck chatting with you. Yes, we are fantasizing about our Pinterest page. We tuned out as soon as you asked why Kanye worked with an undiscovered artist #PaulMcCartnery #doyouseriouslynotknowthebeatles?!

 

 

 

LESSONS YOU LEARN WHILE VACATIONING WITH YOUR FAMILY

St Thomas 
Sorry for the break Lu, you were out of town traveling with your ENTIRE family (for the first time in 12 years.) A lot goes through your mind when you’re about to embark on a vacation with your family as an adult. Especially, when you know you will be confined to a cruise ship for the trip. You’ll wonder if you’ll want to kill each other. You’ll wonder who will get sick. You’ll wonder if one sister will get more presents (it always happens.) But, lets be honest -you’re just excited to get out of town (with your family) and go on a free trip. You LOVE spending time with your family as an adult (no, you’re not embarrassed to say this, they are  #coolasshit.) I know your childhood nickname for your Mom was “the devil” as a teenager. You swore up and down you would never be like her, but you will transition out of hating your Mother (no teenagers like their parents, it’s a thing) to being obsessed with her. I literally don’t know what you would do without your Mom. Your Mom becomes one of your best friends- not in the way that she tries to relive her glory years by raging with your friends. But, in the way that you can call her for anything and your friends want to come over for ANY meal #iloveyoumom. Anyways, here’s some life lessons you learned while cruising with your family:

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  1. HOLY SHIT- vacation is EXPENSIVE (APPRECIATE IT.) Yes,  you will eat everything on your plate. Don’t let a good free meal go to waste!
  2. When you are one of four sisters, guys will hit on ALL of you. Yes, even your baby 18 year old sister (it’s still weird to watch though.)
  3. Even in your late 20’s, you will still bicker with ALL of your sisters. You love each other anyway, but they  better not touch YOUR top!
  4. You will have a stalker named Jonathan. He will follow you and your sisters wherever you go (he’s like that guy Brainy from “Hey Arnold.”) He will literally stand and hover in silence while you sunbathe in silence for 20 minutes until it gets awkward. You will ask him to leave. He will still follow you and your sisters to the bar AND everywhere else on the ship. P.S.- You and your sisters do not miss him.
  5. You run into people everywhere. Even on a #celebritycruise. Yes, you run into an old co-worker and his girlfriend on the boat. You also run into a guy you made out with one  time. He will be on your plane ride to Miami, you will not speak to each other. (#seriously.)
  6. When you’re on a cruise, you see the same people over and over again. You and your younger sister will mutually crush on the #USC guy. The #USC guy wore a #USC hat on your flight over  and showed up on your cruise.) Yes, #USC guy (we don’t know if he actually went there/goes there) feel free to message me or my sister. We still want your number- even if you only like to talk to your parents.) Seriously, #USC guy didn’t talk to anyone else- we know this because we ran into him  5 times a day #awkward.
  7. Someone will ALWAYS get sick.
  8. You will actually like cruising- it’s like a floating Vegas. If #celebritycruises needs a spokesperson, tell them your available.
  9. ALWAYS get the unlimited premium drinking package. If the Molecular Bar was a person, you would tell them you miss them. It was a break up you did not initiate and you will never forget them. (yes, you were valued Molecular Bar, deeply.)
  10. You’re family is the SHIT. You love all of them so much. You’re also ALL fucking crazy (including you) but you wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s like being part of a reality show, but without producers feeding you lines.

THAT ONE TIME IN MEXICO

Lu, in college, everyone goes to Mexico for spring break. It’s a right of passage. Of course, you will decide to go to one of the most expensive private Universities in the country, so you will only be able to do a proper spring break once (which was more than enough-trust me). You will spend a year saving for one of the most ratchet experiences of your life. Note to self- next time you save for a trip, go to Europe not Mexico. You and your intimate group of 30 friends (you only talk to 4 of them now) will pack your bags and head to Acapulco. You will stay at an inclusive resort -which will include all you can eat and drink options. You will drink your heart out with your closest friends, tan on the beach and head to the clubs. You will dance with the devil at Palladium. You’re probably wondering what that means. So there’s a guy who is covered in silver body paint who has his own theme song, they’ll get really original with the song title (it’s called “dance with the devil”) and I swear you and everyone in the club will freak out (almost as much as ravers freak out when the bass drops) every time you see him.

The day before you leave (which you are more than ready to do at this point-7 days of cheap booze and horrible food will make you want to leave anywhere) you will decide to challenge your guy friends to a drink off. Let me tell you now, it was a horrible idea and you loose. You’ll get sick and you’ll opt to stay in rather than party it up that night. You’ll be sound asleep, with your bags packed, when you hear a loud bang on your door at 4 in the morning. Let me give you some context-there are kids at all hours of the night screaming and running down the hall. At first, you ignore it. The kid, bangs again and starts screaming, “The hotel is on fire! The hotel is on fire!” You’ll leap out of bed and grab your 4 girlfriends (yes, you all crammed into the same room). You’ll open the door and this guy will hand you wet towels to hold over your mouth. It’s in the moment you realize, the hotel is actually fucking on fire. So here’s the thing- you will already have an irrational fear of fire. You will live through a house fire as a child (everyone was OK and you get to stay in a rental house which Sisqo (he’s a C list singer) later bought and showed on MTV cribs #ballsohard) . You’ll run so fast out the hotel room door that you’ll forget to put on sandals. You’ll run barefoot down 20 flights of stairs (which will be  covered in puke and beer bottles). You’ll step in some barf (#eww) and everyone will make it out ok. Your parents will call you an hour later, after seeing your hotel on the news. You’ll tell them you’re ok (which you are minus the barf on your feet) and use it as an opportune time to ask for some emotional distress shopping money (the proposal will get shut down). Everyone is totally fine, you know minus the hotel, but nothing a little facelift can’t fix. You’ll be allowed up to collect your  bags and passport. Luckily for you, your portion of the hotel  only suffered smoke damage, so you can actually make your flight. You’ll leave Acapulco and never look back. You haven’t been to Mexico since, partly because you will never be able to top this story.

A NIGHT WITH A CHILD PRODIGY

Lu, as an adult, you have the world’s most amazing friends. Not only are your friends ride or die (they are always there for you, no matter what) but your girlfriends are female powerhouses taking the entertainment world by storm. Two of your best friends will work in music and take you to countless concerts and house parties with your favorite musicians and rappers (#VIPLIFE #FOREVERGRATEFUL). One night, you will venture to an annual Grammy party and meet someone. You’ll be watching Iggy Azalea and T.I. (Yes, those are actual rapper names, don’t look at me, I didn’t name them) and this guy will start chatting you up. He’s a music lawyer from Santa Monica and he dances like an idiot. You’ll think perfect- he’s a little hipster and nerdy (just your type). Your friends will rush you out the door. Before you go, he’ll hand you his business card, which is a guitar pick (I mean, that’s pretty bad ass-even for a nerd).

You’ll shoot him an email and he’ll invite you out to a show (a music show, duh). You’ll get to the venue early, he’ll grab you both some beer. You’ll realize he looks super young. You don’t think much of it. I mean he went to college, law school, took the bar and has a job. But, then he’ll drop the bomb. He’s 21. You’ll choke on your beer and try your best to keep your composure. At first, you don’t believe him. How is it physically possible to finish college, law school and take the bar all before the age of 21?!? All romantic bets are off. You like guys younger than you, but dating a guy younger than one of your sisters is just creepy. I mean, he’s probably still a virgin (You loose your virginity before you’re married, don’t cry over it). You also can’t bail because you’re fascinated. How did you end up on a date with a child prodigy?!

You’ll find out that he went to college at the age of 15. He finished in two years with the help of AP credits (these are classes for smart people, you’ll take some too- sorry in advance). He went to law school on a full ride (like no shit, he’s a prodigy) and is feeling complacent after 5 months of working (good luck in the working world, buddy). For a challenge and some fun he plans to take the NY bar exam (which is in 2 days from this date, btw). He hasn’t opened a textbook but plans to do a quick cram sesh on his 6 hour flight tomorrow (like, who are you?!?). Apparently, geniuses don’t need to study (You missed this gene). You’ll have a great time chaperoning him at the show. You’ll tell him you are better off as friends. Make yourself a note- when this guy runs for President, find his number and be his mistress.

THE WEEK OF THE RUN-INS

Lu, I don’t know how to say this without sounding like an asshole. But, since it’s just you, I can be honest about this-you run into people everywhere #socialiteproblems. The hashtag thing, it’s part of the whole Twitter/Instagram world (I will dedicate a lengthy post to explain the significance of the hashtag to your life later, but it’s REALLY important) #hashtaggameiseverything #chasingthoselikes (you will laugh at this one day -I promise). Los Angeles is a city with almost 4 million people, but you can’t escape the run-in game (secretly though, just between me and you, you love it). There will be a week though (as in this last week), where you will run into people an unusual amount of times.

 

The Run-Ins:

** Please note -this list has substantially been reduced to spare your hands from getting arthritis. There were plenty of run-ins not mentioned, but these are the top contenders (for this week).

  1. Sighting number one will take place on the beach. You and your entire family will decide to do a family stroll along the beach before dinner (I don’t know how to tell you this, but your parent’s sold your childhood home and moved to the beach. Don’t worry, I have a fund going to buy it back-we will be ok by 2060 #phew). You will be wearing a fancy dress with your mother’s second choice sneakers (she will be wearing her number ones, naturally) because your Mom forced you to take off your heels. You won’t change into work out gear because you are a real life adult with your own apartment and don’t have clothes at their home. You will be strolling along the beach, minding your own business, when your ex-boyfriend (you know, the guy you went to London with) will yell out your name. The horror will set in-you are wearing sneakers with a dress, you look like an idiot. You’ll flashback to the last time you ran into him, a year ago (I told you, you run into people EVERYWHERE). Last time, he was just in town for the weekend (now he lives a block away from your parents #great) and he’ll ask to grab lunch (but you’ll say no). You’ll see the awkwardness running down his face as he small talks with the entire family. You will stand there silently gutted with guilt (ok maybe not guilt, you’re kind of more focused on your outfit crisis, but it will be a long 5 minutes).
  2. Sighting number two will take place at a bar and you will run into a crazy girl you were friends with for 2 months (it was just a #fling). You will make the stupid decision of getting in her car after she was drinking. The car ride will scare you enough to bring the friendship to a screeching halt. You will successfully avoid her (or so you thought) until you hit run-in number three.
  3. Sighting number three takes place at the same bar on the same night. The crazy girl will be standing talking with your ex best guy friend (BTW- last time you talked he blew you off for brunch. You basically told him he was an asshole who didn’t respect your time). You’re probably wondering what the hell I am talking about right now. So here’s the deal- you and your ex best guy friend will be friends for over 6 years (the problem- you both liked each other). You’ll make out a few times but his lack of communication (along with some other unmentioned issues) always made the romantic side impossible (at least to you). After a New Year’s make out sesh (this is after college), he’ll ask to be in a relationship but you’ll say no. He won’t talk to you for four years (except for the brunch incident). Then, here you are, both at the same bar, faced with each other and your unresolved issues. He won’t leave your side for the entire time you’re at the bar. You’ll both, for a moment, indulge in missing each other (Lu, time has a funny way of making you forget things). He will be your childhood partner in crime but you’ll both know you can’t turn back the wheels of time. You’ll both change. You’ll both live completely separate lives.  You’ll both move on. He’ll drunk dial you that night and the subsequent night. You’ll be sad/annoyed as you watch his name illuminate the screen of your phone. It always made you mad that he verbalized his feelings when drinking. I can’t tell you if you will see him again or ever talk to him again because I’m just not sure. But, you’ll realize you love him like you love your childhood-it’s a great chapter, but it’s over.

SINGLE IS A CHOICE

Lu, life is all about choices. You pick who your friends are, where you go to school, where you work and whom you date. No one in life can decide your path for you. It is your choice alone. By the way, that path goes sideways, upside down, to the left and veers you to the right. But, along the way, you find yourself. Every wrong turn helps you decide the things you love and hate. I want you to know that you always have a power to make a choice. You have the power to decide who you want to be. Sometimes, it can be scary, but it’s the most wonderful gift in life. You have the power to decide what defines you. You get to choose what drives you and whom you love. You also have the power to walk away from situations and people that hurt you. No one forces you to be at a job you hate or be in a relationship that compromises your needs. It is your decision alone to walk away from these choices. Another big life lesson to learn is that sometimes you don’t choose how a situation ends, but you do have a choice in how you handle the outcome of a consequence. Getting fired from a job you hate isn’t a curse it’s a blessing. Getting dumped in an unfulfilling relationship is a relief not a burden. You will learn that pain is temporary. Making choices that go against who you are hurts you more than anyone or anything else. Don’t every lie to yourself. This is your life. You have to live it for you. So, yeah, you’ll still dance in front of the mirror by yourself ALL THE TIME and you love it.

Now, back to the main topic. Being single is a choice. It is not a burden put upon you. A relationship doesn’t define your happiness and you learn this by dating. You will be in relationships that are great at times but laced with fundamental issues, which will lead to their demise. But, staying in a relationship out of fear of being alone is a choice you can’t bear. You don’t fake anything well (Yes, I mean EVERYTHING) so don’t fake a relationship. There’s so much shame associated with being single and it’s terrible. I want you to know you are strong enough to bare judgment from friends and family and confident in your decision to wait for someone who makes you happy rather than jump into the arms of the first guy who bats his eyelashes at you (Don’t do it, that’s super weird and creepy). Media perpetuates the notion that a relationship equals happiness. There’s so much more to a relationship than just happiness. Happiness is the consequence of a relationship that is right for you and you are the only person who can decide or know what is right for you. You can’t be in a fulfilling relationship if you don’t have a defined sense of self. The best relationships in the world platonic or romantic are derived from individuals who invest in a person because they love those people-flaws and all. Relationships aren’t just about being happy. They are about compromising, having fun, of course, but respecting each other’s needs and you have to have some shared interests. You aren’t going to date a dude who stays in all day and collects stamps; it’s just not your thing. No one is perfect, especially not you, but it is much better to stay single and wait for a relationship that fulfills you. No, that doesn’t mean that you wait around for someone to arrive. You can’t mail order Prince Charming, sorry. You always have to put yourself out there. You have to give things a shot. But if you’re not feeling it, don’t waste your time. Trying to make it work with someone you don’t see a future with to make your friends and family happy doesn’t benefit anyone, especially not you. Don’t ever forget the choices you have in life because those are the things that define you boo.

THAT ONE TIME YOU WENT OUT WITH A GUY AND HE FACEBOOK MESSAGED YOUR 17 YEAR OLD SISTER

Lu, when you’re single, everyone in the world will try set you up with somebody (anybody, really). If a guy is single, 10 years within your age range, and speaks English, everyone and his/her Mom will partake in the fun game of a dating roulette. Dating roulette always starts with the same question/command, “Why aren’t you talking to him?! He could be your next husband!” One thing, I can guarantee, is that you should NEVER go out with someone your parents try to set you up with (EVER). Don’t get me wrong-you love your parents, your parents love you, your parents have successful careers, but nowhere on their resumes is matchmaking listed as a skill set. Friends, on the other hand, are free range (use them.) Your friends know you better than anyone. Your friends are significantly more qualified than your family to pick potential suitors. One day, one of your best friends will decide to try her hand at the matchmaking game. She’ll set you up with one of the top assistants in the entertainment industry. He’ll work for the top Director/Producer in the game (many would argue he’s the best Director/Producer of all time) but you will have to play it coy and pretend you know nothing. He’ll shoot you a text (guys don’t call anymore- unless you’re official or close to it) and set up a date. He’ll offer to drive all the way to the Westside to pick you up and take you out for a night in Silverlake. After some Facebook stalking (yes, everyone does it, even you) you’ll be surprised to discover this guy is actually really attractive.

Date night will arrive. When he shows up on your doorstep, you’ll be pleasantly surprised to discover he is more attractive in person than in photos. The conversation is seamless (you’re a small talking pro-no, I’m not kidding.)  You’ll be intrigued by his vantage points on politics as well as impressed by his taste in music and books. However, once you get to dinner the mood of the date will shift. He’ll tell you he’s on a paleo diet (indefinitely) -so any carbs are off the table for the night. Paleo diets are for dinosaurs not humans. Look you do yoga sculpt and run (almost fanatically) but you don’t work out to give up the buns on a burger.  He’ll start dragging on about his diet and Instagram and you’ll begin to tune out. He’s smart, charming, good looking, probably going to have an Oscar one day, but he definitely wanted to date a model. He’s a real life modelizer (it’s a “Sex and The City” reference- you’ll find out one day).  I’m not saying you’re not beautiful, you are, but fad diets are for losers. You can’t date a guy more obsessed with looks than you are (you tried it once, it didn’t work out, he hogged the mirror).  You wrap the date up a few hours later. For some reason, you almost always go on super long dates. I think it’s because you love heart-to-hearts (even with guys you know you won’t date for more than one night). He’ll send you a courtesy text that night, obliging that he had a great time. You won’t hear from him again until you run into him a year later.

You’ll both be at the same charity event. He’ll just be in town for the weekend (so naturally, you had to run into him) and he’ll start chatting you up. You’ll introduce him to your 17 year-old sister and you’ll catch him staring at you (or at least you thought) throughout the night. The next day, he’ll friend request you and your sister on FB (which is impressive-considering you and your sister have different last names). Then he will send your sister a FB message while you and your sister are at breakfast. You’ll quickly realize he wasn’t staring at you but was staring at your much younger sister (to his defense, he assumed/thought she was much older). You will be appalled at his bold move to initiate contact with her. You might reach out to him in a few years, let him know she’s of a socially acceptable dating age, but until then he can just keep following her on Instagram.

THAT ONE TIME YOU COULD HAVE HOOKED UP WITH A ROCK STAR AND NOTHING HAPPENED

So, three vodka sodas and tight red dress later, you will be sitting in the Venetian hotel buzzed alone (don’t worry- your friends are at a neighboring table) playing penny slots. You will be praying you inherited your Mother’s gambling luck but realize luck isn’t a trait transferred genetically. You will be minding your own business, shouting at an inanimate object, when some dude,with a matty beard and a beanie, will roll up next to you trying to chat you up. He won’t realize your inherent competitive nature kicks into high gear when drinking and that there is nothing worse than disturbing you when you are losing to a computer (which you are convinced is rigged).

He will proceed to court you and drop his name waiting for a reaction. One blank stare and uncomfortably long silent pause later, he will collect himself and try again. This time he will drop the entirety of his band’s name  then pause for a reaction. The name will sound familiar, but you won’t be able to place it. Offended by your ignorance, he will get agitated, but he won’t give up. You will quickly realize his entire band is staring at you from across the lobby, watching him fumble his way through his pick up routine (which you assume is typically pretty flawless). He’s the lead singer of a Grammy award-winning band but you will be too entranced by the slots to entertain any offers. For his last hurray, he will invite you to the House of Blues and his hotel room, that’s where he is heading for the rest of the night , if you want to change your mind, but you don’t. You tell him you’re feeling really lucky and you’ve got to stick with this roll. He will leave offended and perplexed. You will cash out 14 cents later.

The next morning, you do a quick Google search (it’s a search engine and it’s your life. Yahoo is for losers). You have to know if this bearded creep was a con artist or a smashing star. You will be pissed to know you turned down a night with a real life rock star but feel dignified in your decision when you realize he’s the father of children who is also married. Sometimes, I hate how righteous you are, even if you do it unknowningly.

THE THINGS PEOPLE FORGET TO TELL YOU ABOUT SEX

I don’t want to make this weird, you’re young, but you will love sex (everyone does). I mean, it’s not like you turned off the TV in 4th grade, when you accidentally stumbled across the Playboy channel. You won’t do it until you are in love, thank g*d. But, here’s the thing. No movie, no TV show (not even Lena Dunham-you will love her and HBO one day) tells you about all the awkward shit that happens when you have sex. So, I am going to tell you so you can be prepared.

  • There is nothing hot or sexy about trying to wiggle your way out of your  skinny jeans after a date. Stumbling and knocking down a lamp while trying to get out of your pants isn’t sexy. It’s embarrassing, but kind of endearing, in it’s own way.
  • Just going to come out with it- you don’t just magically start having sex with someone, you have to put it in. You don’t fall on or into dicks.
  • You won’t always have the world’s hottest lingerie underneath every single one of your outfits. Guys will sometimes see your gym underwear (but, good news, they will still want to have sex with you, anyway.) You don’t need matching lingerie to have amazing sex. But don’t forget you still need to have some hot pieces, even when you are in a relationship.
  • No one talks about the awkward 20 second moment of putting on a condom. Just saying…
  • Sex in the pool or hot tub is never as hot as you think it will be. It just isn’t, but that’s ok.
  • Having sex in weird places may be some people’s thing and yes sometimes they make for great stories but the best sex you will ever have will ALWAYS be in bed.
  • It is always awkward when a condom falls on you, your bra or any article of clothing, in general.
  • I’m just going to be blunt here, sorry. It’s always weird (even for a fleeting second) when a guy has to pull out and you have to clean it up. No one talks about this, but please always keep a towel/Kleenex/anything but your shirty, handy.
  • One night stands are almost always awful. The best sex is almost always in a relationship.
  • Sex feels better without a condom. But don’t do it unless you are on birth control and in a relationship. Plan B is called Plan B for a reason, it’s never Plan A.
  • Having sex to Marvin Gaye is always creepy. Any guy with a sex playlist probably has herpes- RUN, DON’T WALK AWAY.

Sage advice and true-life tales from a 20-something to her childhood self